I can honestly say I had no idea this even existed.
In space, there is a spaceship.
On board, the Atari council have their sights set on a planet. They select a person to go down.
Okay, that's awesome. I really hope I'm playing as this cow.
I'm starting to get 'The Running Man' vibes from this. Out hero is launched into space in his little eggship towards the planet.
Whoa, first he wrecks a whole city with the explosion from his crash landing, then he climbs out and starts shooting anything that moves. He's kind of bastard this one.
All that just to steal a chalice? Damn!
Oh, duh! It's not a council, it's a GAME SHOW. And I guess the cow just got the high score.
It seems I have five characters to pick from. I could go with generic cyborg guy.
Or maybe this woman, who isn't a cyborg but likes to dress like one.
Or maybe the cow... hmmmmmmm. Haha, he's called 'Mooman'.
Yeah, there's no way I'm playing as anyone but this guy.
The menu looks a bit crap, which doesn't bode well. I haven't got a clue what an A.S.S. Cam does or why it's delayed, so I think I'll leave that setting alone.
Well that's taken all the mystery out of the A.S.S. Cam.
Out first treasure hunt takes place in the middle of a prison riot on an asteroid. Both guards and prisoners are fair game as targets, and if I kill them all it's okay, they'll send in more!
Hang on, an ancient brass artefact was used as a power core? Nothing makes sense in the future.
Hey it's a first person shooter! And I start with a flamethrower?
This music is conspicuously good. It reminds me of another game, but I can't figure out which.
Wow, this guy looks like he's never seen a seven foot tall cow dressed like Rambo before. Hey man, check out my flamethrower!
Oh! It's a stun rod. Or a kill rod, I dunno. Either way it's a one shot solution to all my enemy problems.
Crusader: No Remorse, THAT'S what the music sounds like. It turns out that it's by the same guy, Necros.
Now I just need to figure out where the hell I'm supposed to be going in this maze. I keep finding switches, and devices that spawn pickups, but I'm not seeing any ancient brass rings.
Why is there a guard hiding in a cupboard? Whatever, Guards go down as easy as the prisoners do. I don't even need to switch weapons, I'm just going to beat everyone up with my electric stick.
Ah, this makes more sense now. It seems I've got a heat sensor to detect enemies, and bonus objects appear as white dots on the map. Items keep appearing on the level randomly, then disappearing after a few seconds. I guess I just race from dot to dot, trying to grab items before they disappear and hope I come across the primary objective along the way.
LATER.
Whatever. If they wanted me to actually read any of this they wouldn't have written it in red text. Blah blah blah blah, space generator, blah blah get vials, blah blah, don't open airlocks... well, duh.
Second level, not massively different looking from the first.
Hey, these things look cool though. I wish they'd stop murdering me with flamethrowers when I try to get a close look at their robot suit though.
Man, this level is just as much of a maze as the first one, and it has even MORE switches.
Oh, right. So THAT'S what the switches were for.
This game isn't terrible, but it gets annoying fast. The levels are an old school maze of rooms that make no sense, running around with the map covering the screen looking for items isn't much fun, and even the music has started getting old.
Next game.
This was actually cobbled together from a very early alpha of the Doom engine similar that used in Shadowcaster.
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