Super Ninja Boy (SNES)

Super Ninja Boy, also known by the alias 'Super Chinese World'.

What... the... fuck?

Annoyingly, an alien fleet appears over Chinaland. But the leader, Rub-A-Doc, appears in a holographic broadcast to explain that they just dropped by to say hi. Soon everyone likes Rub-A-Doc, and are sad to see him go when he eventually has to leave with his fleet.

Well I'm glad they sorted all that out before the game even started, I was worried it might relate to anything I'd be doing in the game in some way. But there's still one thing I still don't understand. Why does Rub-A-Doc have a pink P written on his forehead?

Whoa, it's an an rpg! I was expecting a platformer. Apparently I'm supposed to be going to a place called Yokan so I fight my instincts and go to investigate the town.

Those are pretty decent graphics I think. Especially those roof tiles, that couldn't have been easy to get looking right. Well I can't tap dance on this guy's head all day, I should go spend my money.

Wow, you're not going to give me any stats? Or even tell me what a sweet bun or a dragon egg does? Well, fine I'll take two buns and whatever equipment I can afford after that.

Okay, that shopkeeper is bothering me now. I keep thinking it looks like they got his face flipped the wrong way around.

Yeah, that's better. Now he looks like a cowboy with a white hat though.

It's a jrpg so I should probably go talk to people before leaving town. Actually no, screw it, I'm out of here.


LATER, ON THE WORLD MAP...

Hey, I hit a random encounter! Bout or run? Hmm... yeah I'm going to bout the crap out of this guy.

You know, I'm sure I've seen this guy in another game somewhere.

Ah! That's who he reminded me of, Sanpei from the Arcade game Blood Warrior. Apparently they're both meant to be a kappa, which is a legendary mythological creature found in Japanese folklore, so I learned something today!

Okay, what the fuck? It has a scrolling beat 'em up combat system? I was NOT expecting that. I can jump and punch, and these guys don't seem to like me doing either at them. Those blue blocks contain mana or money pick ups it seems.


LATER.

Okay, I know I'm supposed to be looking for a place called Yokan, but I have no idea where it is or what it looks like. For all I know it's an underground city hidden in that cave. Or maybe it was the starting town, I don't know. I'm here now so I might as well check the cave.

The cave turns out to be a featureless empty maze, shockingly.

Son of a bitch... this guy just totally wiped the floor with me single handedly, I couldn't even get a hit on him! And now I'm back outside the town the start of the game, but hey I still have all my levels and equipment at least. Time to head in a different direction.


LATER, IN ANOTHER CAVE IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

Ah crap, this cave's no better than the last one! This cat... drum... thing is using a sonic attack on me! And now I'm back at the starting town. This cute happy music is starting to get on my nerves now.


EVEN LATER.

This probably wasn't the right away to go either. These floating dogs just tore me to shreds. Plus they look weird. They creep me out. Back to the starting town again.



EVEN LATER STILL.

Okay this is different... this cave seems a LOT more interesting. I don't know what this Princess Lei...la is doing hiding in a cave, or what a Janken house is, but I could really use some extra luck right now.

Oh, it's rock paper scissors! I win the match, and take home a shiny new healing spell. Now my luck is finally starting to turn!


SOME TIME LATER.

Okay, that's not fair! They used ranged attacks from two different directions and juggled me in the air until I was dead.

Okay fine, I can take a hint. I'll go into every damn building in the starting town, and talk to every damn npc until one of them tells me which way to go.

Notruedamus... sounds a bit suspicious, but the Emperor claims he's legit. He gives me directions to the next location, and another npc tells me that dragon eggs are used to respawn in the same dungeon after falling down a hole instead being put right back at the start. Which is pretty damn useful I think.


TIME PASSES.

YES! FINALLY! I have found another town!

Time to go into every building and talk to everyone again I guess. Yay.

I bet you're not going to tell me where to find the Chamber of Fire and Wind though are you?

Wow, he starts me inside the dungeon automatically. And the game's suddenly become a platformer now.

OH! it's a fire monster thing, I see it now. I thought it was some kind of flattened bird creature or something.

But... I can't jump that far! Maybe if I use up some of my magic and do a super jump I could make it, but I'm not optimistic. Damn I'm glad I stocked up on dragon eggs, because they'll pretty much count as extra lives in this place.


LATER.

I didn't bring enough dragon eggs. So I had to start again from the BEGINNING OF THE GAME. But it's cool, I'm back now. It turns out I have a running jump and can climb walls. So I've learned something.

Oh come on, the monster just knocked off a tiny bit of health, I'm fine! Don't fall into the hole you bastard... don't you dare.

He fell into the hole. Back to the start of the game again.


Actually, screw it. Next game.