Stone Protectors (SNES)

Is this a 'Trolls' game or something? It's giving me a headache just looking at it.

Select a character? I can barely see the characters. I think the fourth one is probably the least bad so I'll go with him.

Hey, another generic side scrolling beat 'em up. Well, except for the gun, that's a bit unusual for this style of game. And if you keep firing shots he throws in a grenade every once in a while. It's a shame that the flying kicks aren't so good.

I don't see a timer, so I'm just going to stand here and juggle grenades for a bit. Just to annoy the guy in the background, who's stuck sitting there looking miserable, waiting for me to trigger his cue to jump in.

That cake DOES give you extra health by the way, and you get a little guitar riff if you pick up something like a 1up.

First boss fight! You can charge up each of your attacks, punch, kick and ranged, by holding the button down. But can I get my roundhouse kick to connect with Zink's head before he hits me with his axe?

Yep.

He seems so damn excited to get this new move. Or maybe I had it all along and I'm just getting instructions on how to access it, I dunno.

Oh shit, now this is what I like. I've got a flamethrower, bitches! This thing doesn't even seem to be wearing out, I'm going to wipe out the whole level with it.

Son of a BITCH, my flamethrower! He knocked my flamethrower away. Bloody mine carts drivers not looking where they're going.

What, THIS is the 'Stealth Bomber' move I earned by finishing the first stage? I just go a bit dark and the enemies can't see me until I attack? What a let down.

Zink's back for round two, and this time he's brought a... thing. This fight is pathetically easy, I just step out of the way and shoot it until he's dead. Fortunately there's no time limit for bosses in this.

Damn, my health is getting low now. Yeah, I'm through messing around with these guys, have a charged ranged attack to the face!

This lift keeps going down deeper into the mountain, with enemies jumping on occasionally for me to kick back off.

Ow, fuck! Another boss fight already? That's one of my lives gone straight away.

Aha! I have a plan. I'm going to get him in the corner and hammer the punch button until he's dead. Boss defeated!

New level, new special attack unlocked. This time it's a keyboard solo so bad it burns their soul.

These little assholes hide in the ground with their hands sticking out. When I wander too close they throw me back across the level. I don't think I can even kill them.

Hey, what the fuck? This boss is racing all around the place, I can barely get a hit in. I can barely even stay standing.

FINALLY, he stops moving. I've lost three lives in 3 seconds, but I've got a shot at winning this if I... oh crap now he's throwing a ball at me. Damn you Tackle Jackal!

And it's all over with an animated punch to the screen.


To be honest I was actually starting to like this one. Right up to the point where Tackle Jackal murdered my guy. The bastard.