The Pirates of Dark Water (SNES)

A platformer I presume?

Go to the right and hit things, got it.

Wait, the distant planet of Mer? Pirate-lord Bloth? Octopon? What the hell?

I'll go with the middle one. He hasn't got any high stats, but he hasn't got any low stats either, so that's good enough for me.

He only has half a sword? It would have been nice if they'd told me about that before I'd chosen my character.

REN
Medium Strength
Medium Agility
Only Carries Half a Sword

Also I'm starting to think this might not be a platformer...

SPIN KICK MOTHERFUCKERS! Man, I love this move, I want try it out on EVERYONE. Wait, it costs me health to use it on enemies? Well I don't like it anymore. You've got two other attacks, a quick weak punch, and a slow and heavy sword strike. A punch will stun an enemy long enough to use the sword on them, but there'll probably be someone else coming up behind you to hit you while you're doing it.

OH CRAP IT'S A DRAGON! Oh wait, the guy just jumps off it and it flies away. Crisis averted.

I don't like this guy, running around being all small. When I swing my fist at an enemy I generally like there to be something there for it to connect with.

I was starting to get bored of the game... then I learned how to do throws!

I mean, it's not a bad game really. Definitely better than games like Sword of Sodan and Last Action Hero. But constantly walking right and hitting people just tends to get old, especially when I'm not playing co-op.

Violence! How amusing. That timer up there in the center of the screen appears like it could become a concern, but there's no point in the game so far I ever felt rushed.

You have to do a running jump to get over that chasm, timing the run so you can make it under the rock and chain before it drops. I actually manage to make it across... and then get immediately knocked back by a random rock falling from the ceiling. Unfair!

This boss finally put an end to Ren, so I brought out a new character for my next continue.

Not sure what the name for that type of kick is, but I bet it hurt.

Ioz likes to just pick up enemies and throw them somewhere. Like maybe a huge bottomless chasm in the floor.

Floor traps like this are more of a threat to the enemies than to you. Stand next to one, and watch the idiots walk in over and over.


But I'm REALLY bored now, so next game.