Crazy Nick's Software Picks: King Graham's Board Game Challenge (MS-DOS) - Guest Post

Another Monday mecha-neko, who sadly lost his mind halfway through playing this game.

Following on from the previous collection's non-stop roller-coaster ride of skill shooting, drunken mischief and duels to the death, Crazy Nick has returned with another Software Pick. Crazily picked for us today... a couple of board games: Backgammon and Checkers.

I'm starting to doubt Crazy Nick's taste in games. These games don't sound particularly crazy to me. King Graham looks like someone you shouldn't mess with, though. He's like a mixture between Phoenix Wright and Gaston from Beauty and the Beast, except for the silly hat.

Let's not waste any time!

BACKGAMMON:

"I will take the first play.", the King bellowed, confidently reaching across the board to take the dice.

The cat reacted fast, seizing the King's right arm tightly with razor-sharp claws.

"HEY! Just because you're the King, it doesn't mean that you can just decide to go first!"

The King looked up into the eyes of the cat, stunned. He hadn't expected such a violent objection from what he'd assumed was an ordinary cat. Nor had he expected the cat's English to be so well-founded.

The cat slowly released his grip on the King's wrist.

"Whatever, who cares, get on with it."

The dice landed on four and five; one of the cat's men, captured.

As the King began to gloat loudly, the cat leant back on his chair, causing it to creak.

"This guy never shuts up! I suppose I should be thankful that there's no speech." thought the cat, staring at the cracked ceiling.

After some time, the King's voice broke the cat's daydreaming.

"'Tis your turn, moggy."

The King's brow was furrowed in deep concentration as he stared at the board. The cat was able to resist his every move. Each time a man was released from the bar, the cat was able to send the man back, negating all progress. The King rapped his fingers on the table, irritated.

The King rolled the dice. Six and four; both ranks blocked by the cat's men.

"It appears I'll have to pass this turn." he King mused through gritted teeth.

Weeks passed. The King and the cat played on. They rolled the dice. They moved the men. Not a moment of silence passed as the King saw fit to offer comment on the cat's every action. The cat's eyes darted about the board, desperately trying to ignore the King's constant mockery.

As the candles began to ebb away, the game reached its final stage. Both the King and the cat had amassed all their men in the inner board, ready to bear off.

The King grinned while the cat rolled the dice. The King held the advantage here, and it appeared that the cat's luck had finally run out.

As the endgame progressed, the King's excitement turned to horror as he saw the cat masterfully use the seemingly poor dice rolls to efficiently clear the board, one piece at a time. The King, while rolling higher numbers, was unknowingly squandering them.

When it came to the cat's final turn, with both his men on the final rank, the King had saw that he had been beaten. There was no roll that the cat could make that would result in failure. The King took to his feet and soundly declared:

"Mecha won the game for a total of 1 point."

The cat shook the King's hand proudly.

Yes. Yes, he had.

CHECKERS:

"Checkers." said the King, grinning inanely, "You will play first."

The cat observed that the King had noticeably less presence since his defeat at the Backgammon table. He moved to press his luck further.

"'Draughts', I believe you mean, sire."

"Yes, yes, of course, my friend. 'Draughts'."

The game began.

"Hurrah! I'm a king!"

The King started to sing to himself.

It seemed to the cat that the King had been driven completely insane as a result of his defeat.

The cat used this opportunity to leap onto the table, scattering game pieces everywhere. He screamed in rage, his paws splitting open to reveal concealed submachine guns. A hail of bullets hit the King's chest at point blank range, throwing his body through the air and against the far wall.

After an eternity of ear-splitting noise, the cat's barrage subsided. The King's mangled, bloodied corpse slowly slid down the wall and landed in a crumpled heap.

The cat breathed deeply as he carefully reset his forepaws back to their normal, disguised state. He jumped off the table and walked over to the twisted remains of the King. He observed it for a moment, then silently leapt out the window of the tavern.

"Hurrah."

And that's Crazy Nick's Software Picks: King Graham's Boardgame Challenge. The games take up the full screen this time around, and there's persistent scoring to boot. You can double in Backgammon and the turns progress quickly enough. If you want to play a couple of board games in DOS, this is certainly one way to do it.

Maybe Crazy Nick realised that Nine Men's Morris was the only game in the first set that was actually a game and not a broken mess, so he set his Sierra buddies onto making a set of proper, colourful games.

Next game!