Crash 'n Burn (3DO) - Guest Post

Another Monday guest post by mecha-neko.

Once upon a time, there was a 3DO game. In this game there was a very big explosion.

The explosion exploded all over the place.

Luckily the city was empty and no-one was hurt.

THE FUTURE, 2044 AD.

IT LOOKS A BIT LIKE A LEGO MODEL HERE. BUT IT'S NOT REALLY.

BECAUSE IT IS THE FUTURE, WE WILL RACE CARS. Some of these cars will explode! (So it's not all bad.)

It's time to kill or be killed bored in Crash 'n Burn!

Six violent, ruthless FMV mercenary racers. LOOK AT THEM. Look into their evil eyes as they gesticulate at the camera and threaten you in ridiculous Australian accents. As the 3DO streams these videos from the disc, it squeaks and clicks in agony. I think it wants to die.

I pick the guy in the nice coat in the top middle, because he's like a cross between Gomez Addams and Alfred Bester from Babylon 5. He tells me that 'the only way to win a race is to never, ever make a mistake'. It's probably too late for that.

It's time to race. Start the countdown! 5...

The opponents shoot off into the distance as I sit there like a lemon wondering why the countdown is going up instead of down. Oops.

I reclaim fifth place on an icy corner, though it doesn't really act anything like ice. Nothing in this game seems to act as it should. When you approach a corner, you only slide ever so slightly towards the outer edge. They've combined the logic of a sprite racing game with the visuals of a 3D racing game to create something very bizarre.

I've just crashed into second place. When you collide with another racer, you lose half your speed. You're lucky if they don't stick to you and drag you to a stop.

You might be able to tell from these screenshots that my car is a pre-rendered sprite but their cars are polygons.

First and second place have shot off into the distance. They wouldn't dream of using their weapons on each other. That would be unsportsmanlike.

This game doesn't have any draw distance problems, which makes a nice change. I'm looking forward to racing up that hill. You can definitely see my weird pre-rendered car in this shot.

When I hit the ice, I drop two places. As the enemies pass me, they drop mines all over the track and I catch fire. I respond with heat-seeking missiles!

They do nothing.

Last place catches up to me, and slams me against the wall. I hit them with everything I have left: missiles, cannons and lasers. They suffer no obvious damage, whereas I glitch out all over the place and stop.

Pit stop. The other racers extend their lead. My car looks pretty cool here.

All of the cars in this game look like they were drawn by kids. They're a hotchpotch of stacked shapes with massive tyres because they're SUPER COOL and they're all in blinding, lurid colours because they're the only felt tip pens the designers had left.

As I leave the pit stop, fourth place hits me with a barrage of distracting special effects, causing the screen to flicker repeatedly. Egad.

Undaunted, I forge ahead and overtake the guy in fourth... yet remain fifth?

I then overtake this guy and remain fifth.

I THEN OVERTAKE THIS GUY AND REMAIN FIFTH.

I THEN BLOW UP THIS GUY AND REMAIN FIFTH. Something's wrong here.

I'm starting to think that one of the other racers has the ability to duplicate themselves. I can't imagine what possible use that power could be except to piss me off.

I cross the finish line in fifth, having overtaken at least half a dozen of those fake cars. Apparently that's not enough to place, and I've 'ranked out'.

The game asks me if I would like to continue. I decline.

Okay, I tell a lie, I did have another go playing as another character. This character had access to a limited supply of nitro (heaven knows what Bester Addams' special power was supposed to be).

With this new ability, I briefly managed to get into first before all five other racers opened fire simultaneously and blew me up.

Next game.