Normy's Beachbabe-o-Rama (Genesis/Mega Drive)

Hey, it MIGHT be a good game, stop jumping to conclusions! I'm not sure about the shading on that girl's face though. Also, why is he using a lit bomb as a yo-yo?

Normy's the sleaziest guy on the beach. And proud of it.

BUT THEN SUDDENLY, ALIENS!

So we apply some space and time bending sun-tan lotion to the face and mouth and head off to rescue them!

I can't even read that, nevermind understand it. Why are we in caveman times? Did the aliens go here? Why are we in New Jersey?

Okay whatever, we're in a prehistoric forest level so lets just roll with it.

This starting weapon isn't bad, it's got decent range and it can one shot these cavegoons. He was just pacing back and forth on that rock minding his own business, but I killed him anyway. Imagine how many descendants that guy would have had in 650,000 years that will now no longer be born. Normy's already the biggest mass murderer in history and we're only on level 1.

These balls keep bouncing up and down but if you time it just right you can race under all of them without taking a hit.

Or you can just pick them up because they are pick ups. Game design tip: Don't make the pick-ups act like enemies.

The run button in this isn't messing around. You fly off like a speeding rocket, homing in on the first pit of instakill water you can find.

These birds are REALLY annoying. They fly around you, swooping down to take off hit points. And then for a laugh they'll pick you up and take you back a few meters. Or just drop you into the water to instantly die.

Yay for bottomless pits. Wait, this ISN'T a bottomless pit? Nope it's perfectly safe, you just have to jump out and get back up to continue. As far as I remember this level hasn't screwed me over with a single blind jump into oblivion. Though there's plenty of those 'jump across each of the creatures in the instakill water before they disappear' bits to chip away at your lives.

This thing prevents you from going any further unless you can figure out how to make it go away. Violence didn't work, but that message makes me think there's another way to get around this.

Aha, turns out I was just using violence on the wrong creature. This guy has stolen an egg, so I'm going to beat him to death with my awesome inverted punchhammer technique, and retrieve it.

And everyone's happy! See, Normy's not really that bad a guy. Just really creepy.

These dinosaurs take a few hits, but it's okay because I've upgraded to STONES. I pelt the bastard rapid-fire with a thousand rocks, which annoyingly didn't show up in this screenshot. With this new power I will be unstoppable.

"Technical difficulties due to inept game playing"? Son of a bitch! Continuing put me right back at the start of the level. I got to keep the weapon I had when I died, but it wasn't much consolation.

You know, out of all the lame platformers I've played lately, I have to admit that this was one of the better ones. It reminded me of Greendog, except less annoying and better made.