Big Sky Trooper (SNES)

So called because you play a general and it takes place in space.

Aliens take offense to the LucasArts logo because they hate bones and advertising, sparking an interstellar war.

No seriously, this apparently is the plot.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT THE FUCK?

That's very inappropriate. Also, get out of my TV!

This is some kind of space force commander, he wants me to join the Sidereal Shock Troops and defend humanity from the LucasArts logo haters. Which I am only too happy to do. Anyone who hates the LucasArts logo is a sworn enemy of mine anyway.

First I have to pass a series of gruelling tests. Only one of them is really a challenge: you have to enter your name using the slowest name entry box ever. It took concentration and endurance, but I eventually got my 5 letter name into the game.

Because I passed the name entry screen, I'm apparently one of the most skilled of all recruits, and I get an immediate promotion to 21 star general, and a warship of my own.

E.S.S Dire Wolf? I can live with that. I'm General Mitch Hunter, and this is my ship's A.I., FIDO, which stands for: Flexible Interactive Digital Omnicomputer. Though I'm going to pretend it means Flickery Interlaced Dogputer Online, and I'm the captain so everyone has to agree with me. Not that there's anyone else even on the ship to my knowledge.

My ship looks a bit like a dog, this is true. Anyone who laughs gets bitten.

 This is the star map. We can use this to travel between planets, and liberate them from enemy control.

 First we take out the Slug Patrols orbiting the planet in a mini game that plays out like a more basic version of Asteroids. Yes, this bit is less advanced than an arcade game that came out in the 70s.

Planets are pretty small, you can quickly find that you've looped around back to where you started. I couldn't actually find anything to do on this planet so I played around with the controls trying to figure out how to do... stuff.

Why does the inventory have a sliding puzzle on it? What are you supposed to do with it? I slid the blocks around for a bit but nothing happened.

Aha, this planet has invaders on it! Once I've killed them all, the planet is liberated. Though I'm terrible so I lost most of my hearts doing it.

Why does this make me nervous? Yeah, I think I'm done with this game.