Saturday, 6 August 2011

Chuck Norris Superkicks (ColecoVision)

A.k.a. Kung Fu Superkicks. Seven screens of Chuck Norris kung fu action, shit just officially got real.

0 seconds into the game and already I've got a decision to make. Do I go left, or do I go right?

There's no point taking any wild risks at this point in the game, so I decide to play it safe and head left.

Random encounter! It seems this guy thinks he can stop me from getting to the monastery. He's dead wrong, time to unleash the Norris.

I've already used up almost a minute of time getting here because I accidentally stepped off the path on the way. It seems the grass around here drains the time right out of you.


TWENTY SIX SECONDS LATER.



This isn't really working out like I planned. For one thing I can't figure out how to hit him, I just keep stumbling around when I try.

Then he throws a time sapping shuriken at me, and I'm teleported back to the start of the game.

Okay, I'll head right this time. Maybe this way will be less OH SHIT I'M ON THE GRASS!

I've figured out how to get Chuck to kick! Now the tables have surely turned.

One by one my opponents appear on screen to take me down. One by one they each fall to a single superkick. With all three enemies defeated, I continue on my journey.

Oh you have got to be shitting me. It seems that I was right the first time, and now I have to backtrack and go the other way instead. Literally. Chuck doesn't turn around, he just walks backwards.


NINETY SEVEN SECONDS LATER.


I guess this is the second screen of kung fu action. The game does have scrolling, at least on this path, but the hud's changed colour and I've got a time bonus so I must have passed a checkpoint.


I think... I'll go left this time.

Whoa, what the hell? Have these guys suddenly gotten tougher. It's like my kicks aren't even connecting
any more.
At least I was only thrown back to the checkpoint. I guess I'll go right this time. I'm sure one path is going to be blocked off again but I still don't know which it's going to be.

Damn, I'm sure these guys are much tougher than they used to be.





Every time I manage to get close enough to kick the bastard, I immediately get knocked away.





And even when I manage to make my kick connect, nothing happens!





He's just ignoring everything I throw at him.

11 seconds left, and I'm getting nowhere here. Chuck's dreams of strolling down to the monastery are shattered, as is his face.


That game... was fucking terrible. Seriously, you should never play this. Next game.

4 comments:

  1. Dude, I played this yesterday after browsing SAG for a while.
    Crap-ness confirmed.
    Oh, and Chuck Norris is an asswipe anyway. This is the perfect game for him to star in, really.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I said never play it! Right there at the bottom I specifically told you not to play it, what were you thinking?

      Delete
    2. I am sorry my rebelliousness and contrariness will be my undoing :(

      Delete

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