Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Princess Natasha: Student - Secret Agent - Princess (GBA)

This is the only game ever made with a title that starts and ends with the word 'princess'. Possibly.

Okay first it shows a farmer looking at fruit, but then we're watching an arrow go from Zoravia (almost certainly fictional) to the US,  and then... I have no idea what's going on in this intro. I suspect the game's based on a cartoon, but it's not one I've ever heard of.

Giant Lubek is infuriated with this pair of tiny Lubeks, always dressing smart and grinning all the time.

It turns out Lubek is royalty! Or at least he was. It seems like he was disowned for being creepy and always wearing elbow-high purple gloves and acting like a jerk during royal family photoshoots.

And now we're in Illinois... I think. Is that a ZacDonalds?


Thanks for the info geeky sidekick boy, it's time to jump into action.

Cool, it seems that I can choose my level.

It has a fairly decent art style and the music is bearable. Plus there's robots and zombies to punch,  so it's all good so far.

Okay, it seems like that's not an attack. That's just how she poses when she ducks.

Also it seems I've reached the end of the level already. It wasn't even two screens across. I guess I have to clear out the enemies before I'm done here.

Crap. Mental note: don't kick robots when they're spinning.

Ah, he's stopped, so I can finally do some violence. Enemies take a fair number of hits to kill in this, but so does my character, so at least it's fair. Tedious but fair.

Huh, I've won already? I didn't have to kill the zombie? Or rescue the zombie... I forget which I was supposed to do. Anyway I didn't have to do it, so it's all good.

It seems I've got to fight through a few stages before I'm allowed back on the world map.

This time I'm fighting balls too. Which wouldn't be so bad except they tend to bounce high and Natasha kicks low.

A PASSWORD? There can't have been many games that still used passwords instead of saves as late as 2006.

Robots don't like it when I stun them with my stun gun. Shame it doesn't do any damage.

It seems the bubbles are getting bigger these days, that one over on the left is huge.

Killing the giant bubble released two small bubbles. Just like in Pang!  

(Or Asteroids.)

Pang (Amiga)
Except in Pang it only took one hit to pop a bubble, instead of having to kick their health bars down.

Oh! I can use the zombie antidote to cure the zombies! Well at least I eventually saved someone.

Crap, the bubbles come in even bigger sizes? That means this thing will split into six more enemies I'll have to kick to death.

Good advice, but I think you might be telling me a little too late.

Ah, another civilian saved! This is working out way better for everyone.

Why won't you damn bubbles ever die? Please stop existing.

Right, I'm going to corner them all and kick them all to death at once. Or at least that's what I'd do if they didn't keep escaping and bouncing over my kick.

It's not actually that bad of a game, it's just not much fun to chase balls around and kick them. I've only played a few levels and it's already sending me to sleep.

Even the characters are dosing off.

Lubek? The shifty guy in the intro with the sinister grin and the purple gloves? Nah, I doubt he could be involved.

I think I'll stop here. It doesn't look like it's going to get dramatically more interesting any time soon. Next game.

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Semi-Random Game Box