I.M. Meen (MS-DOS)

That is a really strange title for a game.

The game starts with a weird animated intro that looks like the cutscenes from the CD-i version of Zelda.

This creepy guy is singing about how he hates the kids sitting behind him, because they're always studying all the time, so he's thought up a sinister scheme involving an enchanted book.

Anyone that gets close to it is sucked into the magical labyrinth of I.M.Meen. A very scary and confusing destination of his choosing. I guess the old guy is Mr Meen then?

If you want to hear him singing you can catch the intro here: youtube link.

Did the magical book switch their hair colours?

Oh wow, it's a first person action rpg. I was not expecting that. Actually except for the inventory and the pointless arrows on screen to steer with, this is about as much of an rpg as Wolfenstein 3D is.

Agh! Oh wait, this guy seems to be on my side.

I'm sure he's got something really useful to say, but I don't want to hear it. Bye!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! What's the attack button? Is it one of the icons on screen? Do I click the enemy? What do I do?

Dying seems to put you right back at the start of the game with a warning from the helpful gnome type guy to stop being a failure. I've figured out how to punch now though, so I'm going to kick some spider ass.

Crap, punch him!

Spiders and dwarfs both go down pretty easily, but there seems to be hundreds of them down here. The biggest problem is when they sneak up behind you and start eating away at your health. By the time I've turned around to deal with them I've lost a third of my life bar and I can't find any way to get more health. Every time you see my health bar fill up in a screenshot it's because I've died and started again from the beginning.

An Explode-O-Fruit, wow that sure sounds great. Unfortunately I got killed by the enemy before I'd finished dragging it over to my inventory.

Spiders! Everywhere I turn there's more spiders.

A scroll wall? This is new. Do I need to collect a scroll to open it or...?

Oh, I just activated it and got a punctuation minigame. I've gotta give it full marks for originality, I've never seen this in a first person dungeon crawling action game before. There's probably a good reason for that though.

Completing the puzzle opens the scroll door and...reveals a kid who was trapped behind it. I was kinda hoping there'd be a minigun behind there.

Okay now I need to find another scroll door I guess.

Shit! Don't jump on screen like that you asshole. You scared the crap out of me.

I died again, but I found another scroll wall. More edutainment, yay. And another kid rescued.

YES! I've finally found a weapon. Some kind of fire wand. Much better than getting spider blood all over my fists.

Wait, what? It's gone already? I used up all the ammo just trying it out? Son of a bitch.

Okay, I've found a third scroll door and... oh wait, this looks like the first one again. Crap, so dying resets all the scroll doors?


That's it, I'm through with this. Next game!