Kyatto Ninden Teyandee / Samurai Pizza Cats (NES)

Another requested game, Kyattou Ninden Teyandee a.k.a. Samurai Pizza Cats! The game never got an English language release, but I'm sure I'll be able to figure it out. Unless it's an rpg, or an adventure game, or a quiz etc. Then I won't.

I can't read a word of that, but that's okay. The people who made the English dub of Samurai Pizza Cats apparently didn't know what was going on either, and just made up their own story and dialogue.

But it's been so long since I've seen Samurai Pizza Cats that I've forgotten pretty much everything about it. I know it's got cyborg cats, they work in a pizza shop, and at least one of them has a sword, but aside from that, I haven't got a clue what it was about.

Whatever, obviously a giant bird is stomping houses and samurai cats are the only thing that can stop it.

Hey, I get three characters to choose from (the top row of text is apparently asking me who I want to play as). I've no idea who can do what so I'll just go with the white one.

It's a platformer! Not a huge surprise, but it means I actually have a fighting chance of being able to play it.

First problem: how do I get through this rock? I suspect the answer has something to do with that pink pickup over there.

Uh, no the pick up just upgraded my ninpo attack. And fireballs apparently don't do shit against boulders.

Screw it, I've got other places to be.

This actually has pretty solid gameplay, and my samurai cat controls well. I can't think of a single thing to whine about yet. He jumps far enough, his attacks have enough range, enemies don't take many hits, he stands a sensible distance from the edge of the screen, he doesn't suddenly accelerate as I'm walking up to a bottomless pit. I don't even remember seeing a bottomless pit!

Well okay he can't duck, and that's annoying. But I'll find a way to live with it.


BUT THEN...

Damn! Another rock wall and this time it's in my way. I can switch between two other characters like earlier, (two different characters weirdly), but neither of them are able to get through either.

I think I'm going to have to climb back up the ladder and find a different approach.

 Well it was a valiant effort but I don't think I'm going to make it.

That's interesting. The health pickup reappears every time I fall back onto this screen. I'm starting to get the feeling that the developers knew people would be stuck here for a while.

Awesome, double tapping a direction makes him automatically run on his own. Well actually the automatic bit is annoying, but still... maybe now I have what I need to get over that gap.

Damn birds ruining everything...

Okay let's try this again. I'm so glad there's no time limit.


LATER.

The other two characters turn out to be just as hopeless at jumping. But I know I can get up there, there's a damn pickup sitting there!

You can tell how long I've been trying this jump by looking at my score. It was 2200 the first time I was here. But there's no way I'm going to give up on the game halfway through level one.


MUCH LATER.

Okay I gave up and checked youtube.

It turns out that unlike the character select screen at the start, this one has FIVE characters to choose from. I'd tried moving the cursor up to the top left earlier and nothing happened, so I assumed the entire top row was a sentence. But no, there's two other characters up there.

And this character bashes through rocks. And now I know that the 'HELP' meter shows how many times I can use my other character's special skills.

Damn, look at my score now. Whatever, the long ordeal is finally over.

And this guy can drill through walls... right I know what I'm doing now.


SOON.

Birdzilla doesn't actually seem that threatening. I can just sit here spamming fireballs at him and blowing up his little UFOs. And a couple of swipes with my sword to finish the job, and that's level one complete.

It reminds me a little of the Valis games so far somehow, maybe because I'm an anime hero jumping around the city with a sword and fighting a boss at the end of the level. I'm sure there's something more obviously similar I'm forgetting though. (Edit: Just like I forgot to originally include this line).

Damn, I can't remember who these two are at all. This could have been nostalgic, but tragically I waited too long and my Pizza Cat memories have all faded away.

A level select, fantastic! Though right now I can only select from three levels. I hope the game is bigger than that.

I suppose I've got to keep playing until I find out.

Oh, oh, I can actually understand a bit of this text. The bit that says '2'.

I'll figure this story out yet.

Uh, did she just fire missiles from her head?

Wow, I guess so.

Damn, even the characters don't understand what's going on. What chance do I have?

Turns out that these cats don't actually mind water. Though they're not a fan of deadly homing bubbles.


LATER, AT THE END OF THE LEVEL.

Each of the cats seems to move pretty much the same, but they each have a different set of special attacks. The pink cat's second level attack is boomerang which is wiping the floor with this evil fishboss.

In fact the game in general has been pretty easy up to this point, and I doubt it's because I've finally gotten better at platformers.

I'm getting a bit of a Mega Man vibe from this level. And the whole game now that I think about it.

Bell pickups refill my 'HELP' bar I think. So one of my extra characters must have a skill that let's me get up there. I hope it's a grappling hook.

Whoa, this guy can fly? All those times I tried to make that jump on level one, and I could have just switched to this guy at any time.


LATER, AT THE END LEVEL BOSS.

Well that was a total waste of almost half my ninpo bar. I'm sure it would have been great if it'd connected though. I guess getting upgraded super attacks isn't always a good thing.

It seems I'm fighting a boss at the end of every level then I guess.

This boss is the first one that's actually giving me some trouble. I really wish I could duck right about now. I'm not sure how else I can dodge his... oh wait.

Hah, you can't get me now you flying pig bastard. Oh wait... flying pig, I get it now.

Another boss defeated!



LATER.

Another boss defeated!

Okay I said earlier this game is a little like the Valis games. Well I was way wrong. Because I'm actually making steady progress in this. In fact I'm not sure I've even lost a single life yet. And you know, I'm totally fine with that! I don't need every game to kick my ass. But I can imagine a lot of people would maybe find it too easy.

Uh... okay. I'm still not any wiser as to what the hell's going on in this story.


Well I can confirm the game does have more than four levels, I reached a second level select screen, but I think I'm done with the game for now. Though I'd totally play this again, it's a solid little platformer with charm, indecipherable cutscenes, and catchy music. Even if it doesn't have the English version theme tune in it.

It's not crap, so it gets a star: