Sunday, 17 July 2011

Star Trek: Starfleet Academy - Starship Bridge Simulator (32X)

Wow, what is it with the 32X and 3d space games? This doesn't look like it's going to be one of the best of them.

These two bland heroic types are flying to Earth to go to Starfleet Academy to learn how to be bland heroic Starfleet Officers.

Star Trek: Starfleet Academy - Starship Bridge Simulator (SNES)
The SNES game for comparison. Tiny heads, less colour

I was given a choice of which I wanted to play as, then I got to give them a name. I picked the guy, and was all set to spend the next half an hour trying to think up some incredibly witty name for him. But then I found that I could only choose from the selection provided. Names like Corey, Darryl, Scott, Jeremy, Mike, Jason... I went with Scott Taylor in the end.

Starfleet Academy itself, covered in lens flares and busy as ever. It would have been nice if they'd labelled the buttons. Clearly the left one is a classroom and the middle one is the food button, but what about the rest? Also, why is there a food button?

The left button seems a sensible place to start, so I'll go with that.

Use RED ALERT in an emergency situation to raise shields, got it.

I really hope that button on the right gets me out of here. I know the game's called 'Starfleet Academy', but I wasn't expecting to have to sit through lectures.

Let's try the second button next.

Whoa, so many blinking flashing lights. I've found a training simulator, and it has a purple carpet. But apart from that it seems alright, the crew looks a bit weird to my Earth eyes but I'm sure they all look very normal on their planet.

I just wish that blue woman would stop staring at me. It's unnerving.

Ah, this is a lot more straightforward than that Star Trek: The Next Generation game. I still have to select different departments to do stuff, but at least it's all on one screen this time. On the downside, it's playing one of the tunes from the movies on a loop. Constantly.

My first heroic (training) mission, to fly to each buoy in turn. The radar isn't making it easy though, the next objective often seems to be out of range. Eventually I manage to get myself pointed at something, but for all I know I could be flying to the buoy I just left.

Star Trek: Starfleet Academy - Starship Bridge Simulator (SNES)
A shot of the SNES version for comparison. You know, I think I liked it better with the purple carpet. The 3d graphics seem pretty bad on both of them, but I do like the 32X's widescreen bridge TV. I wonder what resolution that thing has.


Mission completed! I made crawling between four stationary objectives in a painfully slow moving spaceship look easy. I figure I've earned a reward so next I try the food button.

Man, the party never starts at Starfleet does it? I came here for food, not small talk with the blandest people on Earth. And that blue woman is STILL staring at me.

Wait, what does that third button do?

Whoa, there's an entire pool game here. I've already got pool games though, I came here for space adventure dammit!

I'm sure they could have found a better way to display those orders, something more readable. At least I don't have look at any horrifying faces this time. Except for that creepy blue woman obviously.

This seems to be the emergency situation I was sent to deal with. I skilfully manoeuvre in close, then engage the tractor beam to pull the radioactive object away from the planet.

Then, when that doesn't work, I try moving closer. Then I try moving closer again.

Thanks, Lieutenant Dork. Now I'm finally close enough to grab the damn thing, I can drag it to a safe distance.


BOOM! I blow that radioactive rock into a million radioactive micro-fragments. I'm sure it's perfectly safe though. Sadly the explosion is as underwhelming as the rest of the graphics.

See, I told you it was fine. I just saved an entire planet there. Just imagine all the movies they'll make about me down there. Oh wait, damn, it's just a simulator isn't it?

Mr Sulu, set a course for the giant metal space mushroom we call home. Always nice to just point to the place on a map and go there, no messing around remembering planet names in this Trek game.

Oh damn, I thought I was free of these giant faces on the big screen! I bet that blue girl is still staring too...

Whoa, she should stay at that res more often, it suits her.

I failed? But I saved the planet full of people... what the hell did I do wrong? What, my crew was subjected to a lethal dose of radiation? But... oh crap, I forgot the first thing they teach you at the Academy. Always go to RED ALERT in an emergency situation to raise shields!

Whatever, next game. Hopefully something that moves a little faster this time.


  1. Stupid ass review.

    1. That's why they call the site Stupid Adventures in Ass Reviews.


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