Dangerous Streets (Amiga CD32)

It'd be cool if the game really did take place in an Enter the Dragon style hall of mirrors, but I imagine they've just taken the box art (exotica.org.uk), and mirrored it on the sides to make it fit the wider aspect ratio.

I did actually press the yellow button for instructions, but they turned out to be less than helpful. They didn't even tell me the basic controls. I think I'll be keeping my expectations low for this one.

I've never heard of Micromania Software, but that logo isn't really filling me with confidence. I'm bringing my expectations down a few steps lower.

Okay I admit it, I already know this is one of the worst games ever made. And yeah I have played it before, it's one of the games that came bundled with my CD32.

And yet I don't remember anything about the game.

In fact the bundle was actually called the Dangerous Streets pack. It also came with Oscar, Diggers and Wing Commander, but Dangerous Streets was the name they stuck on the box. It's like Commodore wanted their CD32 to fail.

Hey it doesn't look as bad as I expected!

But to be honest, my expectations were at rock bottom. This really is pretty damn bad, and it looks even worse in motion.

It seems that the block button makes my character literally turn into a block. Well I say 'block button', what I'm actually doing is ducking.

I really don't get what I'm doing here, it's like the buttons just do random things. I had to stop playing for a second to make sure I wasn't just watching a demo.

This really isn't working out for me. I've managed to take off half my enemy's health bar by random button pressing, but it's not going to be enough for a win.

I'm going to have to quit and see if there's a training mode or something, because this is ridiculous.


LATER.

Okay I went onto two player mode for a bit to figure out the controls, but now I'm back playing single player.

It seems that the four face buttons are low punch, high punch, block... and the other seems to do something different whatever direction I'm holding. And the shoulder buttons are speed up and slow down. Whether that's just for my character or the entire game I don't know. Or care.

Up is a different attack, and I can only jump forwards diagonally. Down is duck, but down and back is another attack. I think.

Okay fuck trying to figure out how to play this, I have a new plan. I'm going to press the low punch button. That's my plan.

I'm not even going to tap the low punch button, I'm just going to hold it down and see how far that gets me.

My first enemy soon fell to my innovative rapid punch button holding technique, so now I'm up against my second opponent.

He doesn't seem that tough, but I don't like that expression on his face. He looks like he knows something I don't. Also his trousers are unfastened, which is never a good sign.

Holy shit what the fuck?

He's a robot! A robot with a miniature version of himself inside! I... have no idea how to even begin to fight a creature like this.

Oh wait, I think I have an idea...

I'll hold low punch.

Job's done.

My evil clone approaches! And he doesn't even have the decency to dress in slightly different colours so I can tell us apart. He's definitely getting low punched for that.

Hey, this is the first level again isn't it? Maybe it's my own character's background.

Or maybe this game is a piece of crap and barely has any levels in it. Because here I am again, back where I fought the robot trucker.

What the hell kind of kick is that? Get your ass down here and get low punched.

Whoa, what the hell is that? Is he sending demon spirits after me?

He's definitely getting low punched for that.

Oh crap, ranged attacks. This could be trouble, I can't just low punch a fireball.

I'd better end this quickly so he can't fire them at me any more then.

A new level background! It's a miracle.

Next time turn into a monster than can survive a couple of low punches, you dumb asshole.

There's eight characters in the game, so I only have to fight two more characters after this guy and I've low punched my way to the end of the game. By holding down one button.

But... there's something wrong. My low punch isn't working! He's using too many ranged attacks on me.

My technique is useless against this guy! He's even punched my character's finger off. My last option is to let go of low punch and try actually playing the game, but that's an act of futile desperation. My defeat is swift and inevitable. And I welcome it.


It looks like ass, it plays like ass, and I finished most of the game just by holding down a button. It may well be possible to finish the entire game by holding down a different button. It's likely that this isn't the actually the worst fighting game ever made, but I kinda want it to be. If only because it'd mean that I won't accidentally stumble across anything worse.