Buffy the Vampire Slayer (GBC)

I'm reasonably sure what I'm hearing now isn't even close to the Buffy theme.

Yeah, giant head Buffy, you're interrupting that poor character's face with your inconsiderate speech bubble positioning.

This cutscene began with "One afternoon, Buffy stops by Xander's...", so it seems the developers are assuming everyone playing this would be familiar with the TV series and knows who or what Xander is. Or maybe they just don't care.

Yeah, I think she was planning on being allowed to show her face.

That's Anya behind the speech bubble by the way. If you don't know who that is, then that's okay, it's probably not important. To be fair it's probably possible to figure how they relate to each other from the dialogue.

The level art looks functional enough, but it's not very appealing. Except for that delicious looking rotating can of cola. I just hope it's not going to explode everywhere when I open it.

Some people would question mysterious spinning cans of soda sitting abandoned in a graveyard, but the Slayer knows you've gotta get your refreshment where you can.

Oh shit, it's a vampire!

You know, I think I may have misjudged this character art. It looks pretty bad in still shots, but the animation is pretty fluid. Though for some reason they've dubbed Buffy's attacks with laser gun sound effects.


SOON.

For fuck's sake... I've kicked this guy across the screen both ways and he just won't stay down.

I'm stuck in a locked off screen with an immortal enemy and no way to escape.

Okay I need to take a break here and figure out what I'm missing. I was kind of hoping for a hint or something but all I've found is another picture of Buffy looking bored.

How the hell am I supposed to kill this vampire... VAMPIRE! Oh crap I can't believe I've been so stupid.

Yeah, I just had to stand in the right place and I was able to thrust a wooden stake through the heart of my downed foe, turning him into cloud of ash. Like, duh.

The screen unlocks and I'm free to proceed.  Weirdly for a scrolling beat 'em up I'm able to backtrack too. Not that there's anything to backtrack to.

Yeah, I thought this rock looked a bit out of place, sitting there in the middle of my path. I think I can figure out where I should put it.

Oh what? I stake the vamp, the screen unlocks and now suddenly Buffy's too good to carry rocks around with her?

There may be no vamps around at this exact moment, but there's no way I'm not going to get jumped by another vampire in the next 10 seconds. This thing is a tested and proven vampire pacification device and I'd like to have it handy.



A FEW VAMPIRE FIGHTS LATER.

Damn, no tasty beverage for me. I guess I can always come back for it when I learn how to jump.

Here I am playing as one of the few licensed characters who can actually jump several times her own height, and I can't even make it as high as the roof of a crypt.

Oh come on, just pick it up!

All that's going to happen here if you leave it here is I'll take five steps to the right, the screen will lock, a vampire will jump out, and I'll be running right back to pick it up. I haven't found one object yet I've been allowed to walk past without a vamp fight.


AND SURE ENOUGH.

Oh damn, this guy is actually putting up a real fight. I guess the beige vampires are the tough ones.

It's time for me to put into action all the moves I've learned and... oh wait, I've killed him. Well, okay then. Back to patrolling.


A FEW MORE IDENTICAL VAMP FIGHTS LATER.

Yes, screw patrolling. Suddenly the thought of having to sit through pages of cutscene dialogue comes as a relief.

Huh, no one's putting speech bubbles over anyone's heads any more. I actually kind of miss it. Maybe because now I have to look at their faces.

Actually to be fair I think the artist has done a pretty decent job considering what they have to work with. It's hard to create a good likeness of a person when you've only got a fraction of a 160x144 pixel screen and 14 colours to work with.

I'm still not letting them off about the speech bubbles though.

Level 2, different vamps, worse music, same deal. Did I mention that the level one music was pretty bad?

What, are we having a jumping competition? Well you're gonna lose mate, because I'm the Slayer and I can jump THIS HIGH! Because I've finally figured out that it's down then jump to do a super jump.

Then the vamp got a good hit in, and emptied the last of Buffy's green bar (the one on the left). I guess that is her stamina bar, because she fell to the ground and the vampire started to feed on her. Behind that bin on the right so I couldn't get a screenshot of it.

He only drank a tiny drop of my red bar before I was able to fight him off though, so even a knock down isn't enough to defeat Buffy.


SEEMINGLY DOZENS OF BORING VAMPIRE FIGHTS LATER.

Oh shit, it's a ninja!

Maybe a ninja vampire? I don't know. If he manages to get back up after I knock him down I'm assuming vampire and pulling out the stake.

Assuming I can even manage to knock this guy down, he looks pretty tough.

No he really wasn't. Either I have a natural talent for slaying the undead or these first two levels are pretty easy.

Not that I'm complaining, I'm not the kind of person who necessarily needs a challenge to be entertained, but this game is just walk, fight, walk, fight, and the fights are as boring as the walking.

That's exactly how I feel right now.

Yes! Return of the face obscuring dialogue boxes. How I have missed them.

Awesome... wait, what? Sewers?

Sewers, seriously? They've put me on a sewer level?

Well I would continue playing, but I've just remembered that I really don't want to.