Arnie 2 (MS-DOS) - Guest Post

The jury's still out as to whether the game is really called Arnie 2: Mission Select.

I've never heard of the Arnie series before. Mobygames indicates that it's about a guy who looks like no 'Arnie' I know and his broken Uzi that just won't stop firing.

This title screen's got overly loud, low-quality electric guitar samples, panpipe samples and a house drumbeat. As an Amiga owner, I feel right at home here!

YEOW! That's loud!

I'm going to have to upload this .mod so you can hear it. It's bad enough as it is, but this game plays it back worse.

Destroy valves! DESTROY.

These controls are awkward as hell. Keyboard controls are Spectrum-style QA for directly up-down and OP for directly left-right. Space shoots. Sometimes. I've got the feeling that you hold it down for grenades, but the programmers didn't implement it very well, so it's 'tap Space to do nothing, hold Space to shoot weapon or use grenade or... maybe not!'.

You're not going to turn around then? If you don't turn around I'm gonna shoot you!

I give him all the time he needs. It takes some doing to get my guy into position. To stand facing diagonally, you need to release both movement keys simultaneously otherwise you'll end up facing horizontally or vertically.

Grenade! Right over his head.

You don't get to control how far you through a grenade. You barely get to choose when to throw a grenade. I can't seem to find the right place to land a grenade on this barrier. It flashes when I shoot it, but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

There's guys approaching from the bridge from the northwest, but they wander about aimlessly and can't seem to find the right place to stand to shoot me.

Duh! Forgot to shoot the valve, didn't I?

Shooting the valve didn't do anything to the barrier. I kept shooting the barrier and it eventually disappeared.

These guys are strange. They've got a machine gun and they're behind invincible sandbags, but they can't turn around to shoot me. I don't have any grenades so I can't kill them.

Valve 2 is toast.

I've just noticed that there's none of that awful music ingame. That must be why I'm having fun!

Guess the machinegunners must have got bored and took their mysterious crate with them.

Hey, there's no time limit either! And I've got infinite ammo! If this game wasn't QAOP, it would actually be playable. I'd wager that it doesn't have checkpoints, but the game was probably made in an evening by some unlucky fool so it's not as much as a game ruining oversight as it was in Future Cop L.A.P.D..

It's a missile launcher! this thing fires really fast and turns to face me wherever I go. There's only one pixel where I can safety stand to shoot it without it being able to shoot me.

Aaargh! Helicopter springs out of nowhere the moment the missile launcher was destroyed! It didn't seem to hit me and it's not coming back, so maybe it's a friend?

These guys have got a mortar. They fire right over my head. They silly.

I've noticed that the only enemies that drop weapons are the stationary rocket enemies, and they never drop rocket launchers.

Argh! Another damned land mine! I keep treading on these damn landmines! I'd only just got Arnie's signature broken Uzi as well!

Man, this level's huge.

To hell with it. The guys can't shoot me worth a damn and it's the landmines that get me so I'm just going to run to the exit as fast as I can.

MEDIC! Nosebleeeeeeed!

Might as well take a look at Level 2 while I'm here. What is Level 2?

It is political importance!

Tank! TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!

The end.