I'm just hoping it's not going to be a cartoony football sports game, because that'll lead to some boring screenshots for sure. Unless you're one of those people who loves seeing identical shots of little men standing around on a green rectangle.
I think that's meant to be his Manchester United kit, though the game came out in 2002 so I guess it could be his England kit for the World Cup. Funny how football games like this seem to always come out around World Cup time.
I'm actually a fan of in-game tutorials when they're done properly, but even the newest of newbies who has never touched a game controller in their life would've figured out how to walk in the time it'd take them to read that text.
Well now that I've successfully mastered walking I'll try moving up to jumping.
It seems that poor Beckham is actually quite crap at jumping for a platformer character. He can barely even jump twice his own height!
Yep this is actually part of the incredibly obscure 'football platformer' genre. Only the fourth one I've ever found in fact. Unlike Soccer Kid or Marko however, Beckham can't really do any tricks with the ball, besides bounce it on his head when he's against a wall. He can't even kick it that far before it comes to a stop. Which is a bit rubbish.
BUT THEN, MIDWAY THROUGH THE NEXT TUTORIAL LEVEL.
Yep, unlike every other football platformer there's no magic ball teleportation button to bring the football back to the player's feet, and I'm already starting to miss having it around.
But on the plus side Beckham's movement skills have been given an upgrade, so now he can jump and move around just as well as any platformer character. They deliberately limited his movement in the tutorial levels to... I dunno, teach me the value of exercise?
So yeah there's trouble in soccer paradise, but it's cool; I'm the chosen one so I'll sort it all out. I'll rescue the civilians and recover the precious things. Sadly all the coins have to be returned to the island treasury and my omniscient coach would probably give me the look of shame if he caught me helping myself.
Golden Boots let me collect coins by walking into them, huh? Well that's one annoyance gone, now all I need is a pair of golden gloves that lets me ignore all these locks I'm supposed to be searching for and I'm happy. Oh, and some magic golden pants to let me teleport my ball back would be nice.
The thing is though, to get the Golden Boots I need to collect 100 coins by kicking the ball into them. But once I've earned my shiny new coin collecting footwear I don't really feel a pressing need to grab the coins anymore, as their main purpose seems to be to get me the boots! The coin counter even disappears once I've reached 100.
Oh wait, this is just a training creature so he's actually entirely harmless. I can just walk over and pick the ball up. Wow, this really is a platformer for absolute beginners.
Those eggs spinning around the goal represent the enemies I decided to
Well I can't teleport it back, so I guess now I've got to go over there and get it off him.
Fortunately there's no limited lives or continues in this. Once I'm out of hitpoints I have to retry the level and that's the only penalty. Oh plus they've also taken my beloved Golden Boots away. Balls.
And then once the two hits are in and the enemy is finally down, they drop an egg... which I have to kick the ball at a third time to collect.
I'm going to have to jump on his head, walk across his head, and slip out of this dead end before I even think about fighting back. Hopefully I won't end up stuck standing on his head with his fat ass blocking the exit, but there's not much else I can do here as he's invulnerable to everything but a rear assault.
I've got B E C and K so far, and I'm dying to see what it spells out in the end!
BECKHAM letters! Woo!
No idea whatsoever what that's gotten me. Never mind, I guess I'll go meet this Monster Manager then.
ONE MINUTE LATER.
Are we going to crack him open to see if there's an egg inside, like the other monsters? No? Man, bosses always have to get special treatment.
recall a ball you have kicked."?
WHAT? So the developers knew the game could really use a ball teleport feature, actually coded one in, and then disabled it for the ENTIRE FIRST WORLD?
Why would they do that to me? What did I ever do to them?
Go! Go! Beckham! is pretty far from the total trainwreck I was expecting, but it's no Super Mario World either. The controls are responsive, Beckham always ends up where you want him to be, the enemies take a little bit of manoeuvring to deal with, and even the 'collect all the locks' thing I was worried about turned out to be a non-issue for the most part. But enemies needing three hits slows things down unnecessarily and it's all a bit too tame and repetitive for me really. I mean it's obviously designed for young children and it probably works well at that level, but I started getting bored with it pretty quickly.
Competent and likeable I'd call it, which doesn't necessarily equal entertaining but it's pretty much the opposite of crap, so I'll give it a gold star.
Wow, you read all the way to the end of this? What, were you bored or did you just scroll through it to read what I wrote at the bottom? It's fine, I won't judge you, though I will remind everyone for the 15,000th time that your comments and strange opinions are welcome. Especially if you can think of any more football platformers for me to play besides Soccer Kid, Hurricanes, Marko and Go! Go! Beckham! I'm sure there must be more of them out there, somewhere.