theme from the TV series playing in the background right now. It's a catchy tune though.
I wish I could say I played this game because of the request I got on twitter, but the truth is that I originally wrote this post in April 2012 so that I'd have it ready to put it up on the site in time for the cinema release of G.I. Joe: Retaliation. Unfortunately for me it seems that Paramount realised at the last minute that killing off a popular character at the beginning of the movie was probably a bad idea and delayed the film by a year for reshoots, ruining all my plans in the process. The bastards. I didn't think there was any rush in showing off what I thought of a 1991 NES game though, so I held onto this until today, when the time was finally right.
Shockingly 123456789 isn't recognised as a password, so I'm left with no other recourse but to start a new game after all.
Actually this turns out to be our boss with another dangerous assignment for me. He's getting a bit sick of the Cobra organisation terrorising the good folks of the free world and it's time for a Real American Hero to go sort it out. My first stop on my anti-terrorism world tour will be a "jungle base deep in the Amazon."
But that's just the kind of batshit insane fanaticism I'm going to need out there in the field. Congrats Grid-Iron, you've made the team.
The music ain't bad either. This is exactly what I want my 8-bit games to sound like in fact.
Okay this seems to be a straightforward side-scrolling run and gun, and I can switch between using my fists or firepower to inflict hurt. Guns have more range (like, duh), but they have limited ammo, and it seems like my fists have more power. Because I've been working out.
Amazingly Snake Eyes can actually jump higher than Duke and was able to grab the pickup easily.
Though it was bad game playing that got my poor ninja down to less than half his health so fast. Fortunately enemies actually drop health pick-ups in this. Well some of them do anyway and the health kits do like to bounce so I gotta chase 'em first.
Oh shit, I've been playing for three minutes? That only leaves me with 7 seconds to kill this thing!
Fortunately I've got a continue! Possibly even infinite continues,
though I'm not getting my hopes up. Not that it matters much now, as I'm
going back to the start of level one either way.
I don't know who this guy is, but I like how he seems as confused about what he's holding there as I am. Those flames he's standing in front of makes me think it could be a flamethrower, but then he's got those bullets draped over him so maybe it's a belt-fed machine gun. Or maybe he's just a cranky old cyborg waving his high-tech walking stick at me.
I gave up trying to dodge it in the end and just hammed the ring laser button until it exploded again. Properly this time.
Captain America and the Avengers platformer on the NES actually, but I think this is the better game. It's slicker for certain.
Thankfully that water down there isn't instakill, but I've been getting my ass kicked seventeen other ways so that health over there by the door will be useful. The enemies respawn, but it's rare that they drop health kits so I can't just clear out an area of easy enemies a few times to refill my life if I get in trouble.
Well that's one bomb down now and I have 340 seconds to find the other tick and get back to this exit door so I can leave.
I had to continue from the start of stage two, and when I reached the boss again this time I used the more successful tactic of jumping up and punching him to death.
These Cobra people really are psychopaths. They're firing missiles down onto their own men to try to kill me. Fortunately I've been putting each of the guards down humanely with a swift dagger to the throat, so when the blast reached them they didn't feel a thing.
Yep, three bombs to plant on this level. I just wish whoever spray painted the ticks on the wall had also given me a map telling me where to find them, because I hate wandering around lost, especially when I have a time limit.
Now I've only got one guy in my squad left alive and a fraction of a health bar remaining. Still, on the bright side, I hijacked one of these helicopters! I'm going to go fly around and shoot people for a bit and hopefully find the other tick along the way.
ONE RESTART LATER, ON THE BOSS FIGHT.
I had to replay that other level in the end, after another 'tactics failure', but I'm doing better this time around. Turns out I had to walk through a secret passage under the floor to plant the last bomb next to the exit door. Secret passages and time limits, what an awesome combination.
Then I ended up driving the thing straight into the very first hole I found and had to start the level again. Next time around I went back for the vehicle and ended up falling into the second hole and then on my next go I managed to make it across, only for an enemy to knock me back in. On the next run I managed to get knocked out of the vehicle but landed safely on a ledge... and then I got knocked down the bloody hole again.
I'm not liking this level much to be honest.
Right I'm starting the stage again, and I'm going to leave the wall climber behind, and I'm going to walk the whole way on foot, and I'm going to punch all your goons, and then I'm going to punch that goatee off your smug face. What do you say about that mate?
This place earns extra creepy points for having decorative skulls along the girders. Fortunately I'm taking the express elevator down, so I'll be done with this place soon enough.
Ninja Gaiden style wall grabbing on these rough brick walls, though he'll be disappointed when he finds out that Blizzard and Grid-Iron can do it just as well as he can.
But there's one last thing I've got to try before I turn the game off...
G.I. Joe is actually a surprisingly decent game I reckon, for what it is. It's nothing that interesting and I could live without playing another timed maze level in a video game ever again, but it's a solid platformer and the music's good. Annoyingly it's gotten that dopey cartoon theme playing in my head instead though. And now I have to live with that.