Eragon (GBA)

This came out for a few systems but I'm only playing the GBA version. And only because someone asked nicely.

The game starts with three people on horseback, none of them called Eragon, and most of them probably doomed.

Oh no, my guys are elves? Damn, does that mean those enemies are orcs? I already played a GBA Lord of the Rings game this month!

This is about all the story and context I've been given by the way. I'm playing as three elves, they have a mission, and they've been ambushed by orc... things in a forest. Still, it's much better than having to sit through endless screens of text before the action starts.

It seems like a Final Fantasy style turn based side view battle system, with a twist. I get two attack buttons and four attacks to make each round. Different combinations of attacks have different effects, for example this combination (A, A, A, B) attacks all enemies at once.

The downside of this system is that it means I have to press the attack button four times per character, per turn, and only the middle elf even has the super attacks. So that's 12 button presses every single round and 6 of them are apparently entirely pointless.


AFTER THE BATTLE.

All the standard stats are hiding exactly where you'd expect them to be. Well, mostly standard. I have no clue what 'Tuf', 'Arm', or 'Dge' are.

And there's all my moves. Grace's Cut gets me 1.75x damage, but Elven Stroke uses an extra button press and gets me 1.5x damage. Something doesn't seem quite right there. And then Grace's Slayer gives me 2.5x damage with the same amount of moves. But if I can pull off Grace's Cut twice, does that give me 3.5x damage?

You know what, I think I'm going to stick to A, A, A, A, which gets me 1x damage but means I don't have to look at the screen or think about what I'm pressing.

Instead of choosing where to allocate points after level up, I have to set them up in advance using the focus screen. Each of the five focuses gives a different set of attribute bonuses per level up.

Is that Reduced Life Loss, or Reduced Life? I think I'll change my focus to Weapon just to be on the safe side. I don't even know how to use magic yet anyway.

Oh... hi! Did that stuff in the box belong to you, because I could go put it right back. Well I could, but I'm not going to.

There's no random encounters, enemies just wander around the level and run at me if I'm spotted. They don't seem to respawn, but there's a lot of the bastards around.


SOMETHING LIKE FIVE BATTLES LATER.

I found a 3d rendered cave! I wonder what's inside!

Oh right, more battles. Seems like every few steps there's another enemy. Guess I should get back to  pressing that A button then.

Don't worry about Glenwing's health by the way. I'm sure if I keep pressing 'A' he'll level up and get a refill before it gets too low.


TEN MINUTES LATER.

Yep I'm still in the cave.

You know, I hate it when GBA games have prerendered sprites instead of proper pixel art. They look like little claymation people, and not in a good way. The dark legacy of Donkey Kong Country.

Oh hang on, this is different. Those enemy mages just cast 'blind' on me. I'm not sure what to do about that. I don't think I have any magic or healing items to fix it.

Son of a bitch! He just brought back a dead enemy and healed the other one up with a thousand health.

Crap, I can't even get a hit on these guys now. And whenever a stray hit actually does connect, they just heal back up again.

I am well and truly fucked.

And so ends the story of the people from the start of the story of Eragon. Whoever he is.

Unfortunately I just reappeared back at the last checkpoint, so I've got no excuse to quit just yet. I've been betrayed by good game design.

Okay tapping A isn't going to cut it any more, but I have a new plan. I'm going to equip a ranged weapon so I can target the back row and kill the enemy's mages first.


A FEW MORE BATTLES LATER, THEN AN EPIC FIGHT AGAINST THE ENEMY COMMANDER WHICH WAS ACTUALLY A LOT LIKE ALL THE OTHER BATTLES.

Uh WHAT? 45 minutes of gameplay and all those fights, and that was just the first cave of two?

Okay fine, let's get this over with. I want to at least see Eragon himself turn up before I turn this off.


LATER, IN CAVE TWO.
 

Ranged attacks, motherfucker! Can't blind me if you're dead.



EVENTUALLY.

Finally, it's time to take care of Commander #2. I just hope there's not a third one.

You've got to be shitting me. They waited until the second boss battle to tell me I could block and dodge enemy attacks?

I've been playing for 90 minutes and they didn't think it was worth telling me this until now?


BUT THEN, AS I LEAVE THE CAVE... AN ENEMY APPROACHES!

Damn, this red haired character really reminds of someone. A character from a video game probably, but I can't figure out who. That's going to be annoying me now.

Oh by the way he just wiped out most of my team in an unwinnable boss battle. Fortunately these two were buying time for the other elf to get away (see, I told you they'd probably be doomed.)

Oh nice getaway there. You made it like halfway down the screen before he caught up. Way to make your friends' sacrifice meaningless.

That guy's portrait is awesome though.

That's someone who obviously loves his work. He's just so happy being evil.

Apparently my elf is carrying an important stone somewhere for some important reason, and this bloke would rather have it for himself.

And then I'm thrown right into a second unwinnable boss battle!

As far as I can tell, using magic burns through my health instead of using mana... but I have healing spells. So I just spent 931 health to get 1757 health back. Which is basically just throwing a turn away seeing as this guy can take off 2500 per hit.

Ah, it seems she's not so incompetent. Instead of running away, she used her friend's distraction to secretly teleport the stone away to somewhere else

I love how emotional this guy is. It'd be a fantastic twist if he turned out to be Eragon, and I got to play the rest of the game as him.

But nope. This is our brave protagonist, finally making an appearance almost two hours into the game.

He's just stumbled across the stone that everyone's so keen to get their hands on, and he immediately realises its worth.

Well he knows it's probably worth enough to get him some dinner at least. He tries to trade it for some steak, but the butcher is mean to him and makes him cry.

I'm already starting to miss... whoever that elf woman was. She may not have had much of a personality but at least she was someone I could respect.


SOON, IN A TELEPATHIC DREAM SEQUENCE.

That is amazing. Even the game's forgotten what she was called.

The dream sequence reiterates that the red headed vampire guy still wants the stone and the elf's still not telling him where it is. Only this is all from Eragon's perspective so he doesn't know yet who they are or what they're talking about. Wait, even I still don't know who they are or what they're talking about.

Well enough of the highly skilled elf warrior. Eragon's awake now so it's time to go adventuring with his low level friends. Trying to trade in the stone didn't work, so he needs to earn some money for food.

I don't believe it, the game's giving me an 'equipping items' tutorial. Leaving it a bit late aren't they?

I'm not sure it's even possible to get this far in the game without equipping a bow to take out those mages earlier.

Okay, it's time to go out and... well it doesn't seem that I'll be picking any herbs.

It doesn't look like I'll be tracking animals either. I thought Eragon was supposed to be a hunter. No wonder he's having to trade stuff he found in the forest for food.

Well okay, I'll switch to plan B. I'll go find something else in the forest to sell. Forests, in my experience, are often filled with chests containing money and potions just lying around for the taking.



LATER, IN THE FOREST.

Poor Eragon's going to starve to death.

Still there's one thing I'm pretty sure he can do, and that's fight. So it's time to find some bandits and redistribute some of their ill gotten gains into my pocket.

Well... fuck.

And so Eragon and his friends all died in the forest. One of the bandits probably finds his shiny stone and ends up with the protagonist role in the storyline instead, eventually redeeming himself, saving the land and living happily ever after. The End.


This was actually way better than I was expecting from the title. I mean I wasn't enjoying it, but it seemed like a fairly competently made game. On the scale of GBA rpgs it's more of a Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, than a Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring in quality.

And now I don't have to play it any more. Next game.