Thursday, 5 July 2012

Timeslaughter (MS-DOS)

Uh, this one was a request. I don't know much about it, except that it's a fighting game, and I'm guessing it ain't by Capcom.

WARNING, the following screenshots contain horrific scenes of extreme gore and bad art that some readers may consider to be 'a bit gross'.

The game starts with this guy rising from his grave, wobbling around for a bit and then... oh wait he's just here to spit out the name of the name of the developer.

"Ah, the guts that I hold. So easy to craft, so easy to mold!"
Okay the game actually starts with these two cutting up... uh, something and, fuck I don't have a clue what's going on here. You know, I don't think this is even the actual intro, it's just another animation about the developers. And I have a suspicion that these two aren't being performed by professional voice actors.

Time slaughter midget xing
Right, the game starts with... nope, this is just the opening credits, played over a cartoon of midgets getting bulldozed by a pirate. Apparently the creators have a thing against short people, I dunno.


Awesome, I've finally hit plot. This has to be the actual real intro, I'm sure of it.

The story begins with a scientist recording a journal entry, saying that just as he finally completed his time portal generator, some alien/demon things have turned up to take it from him.

The leader of the alien and/or demon group explains to the inventor that time portal generators are sacrilegious, so he'd appreciate it if he could just surrender it to them.

Personally if someone with a metal face and glowing eyes asked me to hand over my time machine, I really hope I could come up with a better response than "You'll have to kill me first!". But the scientist's been stuck in this black void he calls a lab for presumably years working on this thing, and he's a little cranky.

"Oh so the little mortal wants to play our game. So let us start with Dreg," replies the leader, his voice suddenly going high pitched.
"Dreg, what the hell's a Dreg?" asks the confused scientist.


While the poor scientist is preoccupied with having his flesh melted away by alien stomach acid, the Surgeon and the Butcher arrive. Presumably to get him some emergency medical attention and make him some sausages, respectively.

Turns out they were actually here to drill his eye out and slice his arms off. Fortunately he's able to activate his machine with his nose, and manages to flush his assailants away through time.

I don't know what seems more unlikely; that he was able to rebuild his body only using his nose, or that he lasted two days without bleeding to death.

Anyway he's angry and insane now so by comic book rules he has to take a new name.

From this day forth, he is the monster known as PORTAL! Because 'Cyborg' was taken, I guess.

Okay, it would appear that I've reached the character select screen.

Uh, but where are all the characters from the intro? The scientist and the main villain are totally absent. Even the three henchmen are missing, despite being given names and special attacks. What the hell does this have to do with aliens and time machines? Did the chaotic forces of the timestream randomly arrange a fighting tournament?

You know what, it's not important, I'll just go with the artist. Bet I could do some serious damage with his paintbrush.

Not a great start, but I'm still trying to get the hang of the controls. Actually it seems to have a pretty straight forward set up. I've got three punch buttons, three kick buttons, and no matter which one I press Jinsoku just blocks it and throws me across the level.

Wow, Pierre had a lot of blood in him. Not so much anymore though.

No shit.

Okay I need a new approach here. Perhaps an artist wasn't the best choice for a fighting tournament... wait, why the hell are we fighting anyway? It just occurred to me that they haven't explained it in the slightest, and the intro might as well have been for an entirely different game.

This time I went with Dracula. Lets see how well his little metal wrist blades do against the Prince of Darkness.

Whoa, he sliced his face off! This wasn't even a finishing move, the characters are visibly injured as they fight. For such a lazy looking game, they definitely put a lot of effort into the gore.

Okay, what I'm doing here obviously isn't working. I'm going to restart and try fighting someone else.

There we go. Seems that beating up a lunatic in a straight jacket is actually easier than taking on a guy with wrist blades.

You know, despite how it looks, this is actually pretty slick and the characters have a fair amount of moves. I'm the last person on Earth who should be passing judgement on fighting games, but I'd say this is a step up from crap like Dangerous Streets. It at least gives the impression of being a proper functional game.

For half a minute I actually allowed myself to believe this could have gone the other way. Wait, is he wearing my character? That just ain't right.

Damn, she just sliced my dude in half with her foot. I can't tell if this is supposed to be satire on gory fighting games like Mortal Kombat, or if the developers just followed their heart. Looking at the intro, I'm guessing the latter.

Oh, and of course the only female character in the game is a prostitute. Well to be fair, there's other women in the background. Who are also prostitutes.

Hang on, I think I might be onto something here. If I tap punch to spin my hair around he can't get close to me. He blocks it more often than not, but if I can just chip his health down below mine before the timer runs out then I've won.

Crap, he might look a bit like Dhalsim from Street Fighter, but this guy's got long range fireballs. I'll need to learn when to stop and duck them for my cunning plan to work. I can hadouken some snakes over his way myself, but he'd only block them. Best to keep hair spinning I reckon.

Oh shit, I actually won a fight! One down, at least nine more to go.

Jinsoku, we meet again. But with my unbeatable hair spinning technique this time I shall be the victor. No point hiding behind your arm blades mate, when that timer reaches zero I win.

I honestly thought I had a chance too.

I'm almost as bad at fighting games as I am at sports games, so I'm entirely unequipped to judge them, but this one seems ridiculously difficult. I can usually make it past the first fight or two in the games at least, but in this I was consistently taken apart, and the only success I had came from accident or cheating.

Though the game is free now, so you can check it out for yourself from the official site here by clicking the first image on their page.


  1. What... I mean what... I mean -what-... I mean *what*... I mean WHAT... WHAT?

  2. Oh you should absolutely play some other Bloodlust games. At least Wrath of the Sea King and Skipyyyyyy's Reveeeenge!

  3. this game is crazier than we can see in the post...... this is only the beginning O_O

  4. Priceless chapter in the already bizarre fighting game History. This is fantastic.


Semi-Random Game Box