The Goonies (NES)

Today I'm playing Konami's adaptation of the Goonies, on the NES.

I have to admit, I've never seen the movie this is based on. All I know about the film is that it's got a pirate ship in it, and is a bit like Indiana Jones, except with teenagers. Or maybe it's not, I dunno.

Right, the game's a platformer, I start off locked inside a building, and I can kick giant rats in the face to kill them and steal their bombs. They reappear after a few seconds, but that just means my bomb supply is infinite. This must be a weird movie.

I can use the bombs to break open these skull walls in the background and collect the treasure within. I have to admit, first time around I stood too close and blew myself up with my own bomb, instant kill. It seemed better to just start a new game after that, rather than throw away one my precious 1ups.

Hey, I've found another key! What sort of crazy bastard seals up their house keys behind a wall?

That blue guy in the suit seems a bit annoyed that I'm kicking all his rats and stealing his keys. The rats are happy just to pace back and forth on their floor, but suit guy's chasing me everywhere.

I went back to the start to blow open the last wall, and found a clone! He's not an extra life though, so I guess he must serve a more sinister purpose.

Anyway, I've got a full set of keys and I see a lock, so I'm going to go take the ladder down to level two.

Level two has skull doors to go along with the skull walls. Apparently whoever designed this basement has a thing for skulls. And flame jets.

Also they really love ladders. They've bricked up rooms just as an excuse to put in an extra ladder in the floor.

Hey, I found another clone! Seems like there's one on every level. I guess I gotta catch 'em all or else I get the bad ending.

The guy in the suit's back, and he's brought his pistol. Fortunately this white mouse turned out to be carrying an invulnerability cross, so in five seconds I'll be back down there to run through his bullets and kick him in the face. It won't kill him, but it'll take him out of action for a while and make me feel better.

Going through the skull door took me into the blue dimension. It seems that a 2d maze wasn't complicated enough, so they decided to mix things up by adding other rooms behind rooms. A map would be handy right about now.

Awesome, I've got a new weapon! The slingshot has limited ammo but it lets me strike down my enemies from a distance. Unfortunately the man in blue also has a new weapon. It's some kind of long range six way note launcher, and it's annoying.

Hey wait... wasn't I just here a couple of screenshots ago? I guess not, as that place was tinted brown. These rooms are looking so similar I'm completely losing track of where I've been.

Skeletons and bats? What is this, Castlevania? Oh that reminds me, I can't steer my character mid-jump. Though weirdly I can move him a little when he's falling.

I came so close to catching that skeleton with a bomb, but I guess I'm going to have to go down there and waste some of my precious slingshot ammo on it now instead.

Well this passage was a waste of time, though I did find some more giant diamonds for the collection. These things seem to appear randomly around the level as I'm walking around, and they shall make me very wealthy when I eventually get out of here. If I eventually get out of here.

Crap... I got enough gems to complete a full set and they all vanished on me. I could have been a millionaire, but all I got out of it in the end was a refill for my life gauge. Bloody magic gems man, you just can't trust them at all.


LATER.

Damn, this level's even more of a maze than the last one. Ladders and skull doors everywhere. Plus low ceilings next to bottomless pits, which is always a fun combination.

Damn, I only just ducked that shot in time. These pipes are in a terrible state, they need to get Mario in to sort it out before someone ends up dying down here. I'll be fine though, 'cause I just found myself a health potion behind this wall. A key would have been nice though.

Well there's the last door, with the last key behind it (I hope), and there's the keyhole, but how do I get up there?

Oh shit, I just realised I've only got 74 seconds left to finish the level. Fuck fuck fuck...

And then like an idiot I run straight through every enemy in my way instead of taking my time. The dumb thing is, I had more than enough time to make it without rushing.

This always happens when I realise I'm under a time limit in a game, I lose my concentration and start making stupid mistakes. Takes all the joy out the game for me, and this game didn't have much joy in it to begin with.

Oh no, a deadly drip! Well, I'm guessing it's deadly, and I don't really feel like testing my theory. It's probably same chemical that mutated all the giant rats now that I think about it. Oh, and another bloody skull door. Like I wasn't lost enough as it is!

These falling stone things are instakill too? Well that sucks, what a tragic waste of a 1up. Now I'm down to my last life.

And then I hit my head on the ceiling and fell into the hole. Game over. There were no continues.


You know, this really doesn't have bad gameplay at its core, but it wasn't much fun for me overall as a game. It's a collect 'em up in a maze of similar looking rooms, and I'm sure racing back and forth against the clock trying to find the place they haven't been yet would be fun for a lot of people, but it bores the shit out of me. Next game.