Mr. Goemon (Arcade)

This is the very first Goemon/Mystical Ninja video game ever made, starring a real life Japanese folk hero who was executed for an attempted assassination attempt by being boiled alive along with his young son. Sounds like a fun story to make a game out of.

I don't know what I was expecting from a 1986 arcade game, but I definitely wasn't expecting it to look like a kabuki play.

It seems that poor Goemon has managed to piss off basically everyone who lives here somehow, as angry people are piling on screen from all directions. I guess I'm playing as the one that's jumping and swinging a gold pipe, though it's hard to tell. And for some reason I'm struggling to get him to move.

Crap, they've grabbed me. Help, I'm being oppressed! The angry mob ties poor Goemon up, then throws him off the screen to his death. Which is a bit harsh I reckon, though it beats being boiled alive.

Every time I lose a life I reappear in the same place, and try again to make a run for it. I made it like 5 meters down the road this go before being apprehended for the third and final time.

Obviously there's some core gameplay concept I'm just not getting here.

Okay, I started again and this time I've figured a few things out. It's up on the joystick to jump, but Goemon can't jump forwards unless he's already moving. So that's why I was getting stuck on the spot earlier.

Also Goemon can knock enemies around by jumping into them, and if he's captured I have to waggle the stick to get them off me.

I've also managed to get a fan embedded in my hair, but that's a mystery for later.

These bastards won't leave me alone for a minute, I'm being constantly hounded. It wouldn't be so bad if they weren't faster than me.

I actually made it to the end of stage one! Only one life left, but at least I'm making progress. And I finally get a moment to relax.

Son of a bitch! They won't leave me alone for a second.

Shit, not surf ninjas too. I hate those guys. I gotta admit that I'm also not big fan of the guys throwing knives at me.

I guess I was premature in thinking I'd gotten past the first stage, as the number in the top right corner still says '01'.

I made it all the way through the entire section without losing a life, and my reward... is a boss fight.

I don't know what that thing is, but it's throwing lightning at me and I think hitting it with a pipe may just make it angrier.

It turns out that I suck at dodging lightning bolts. But hey, at least I get to replay the entire level from the start again now. Yay.

Hey, I just took out two enemies at one by throwing a cat statue.

That's interesting. It seems that all these items lying around are actually single use, long range, one-hit kill weapons for me to equip. I think I may have just gained a tactical advantage against that boss.

Did he just bring up a shield to protect himself against my... whatever it is I just threw at him? That's interesting. I'll see how it lasts when I throw a few more things his way.

And so the boss was (eventually) defeated, and stage one was finished for real this time! To celebrate, Goemon showered the villagers with coins and everyone rejoiced...

...everyone but these ungrateful bastards anyway. Though to be fair I probably stole the money off them to begin with. I'll repay them soon enough, with a cat statue to the face.

I'm liking the music on this level, I hope I manage to survive long enough to listen to it for a bit.

Well, I screwed that up. Lost one life instantly to a flying knife while I was trying to throw a cat at someone, and then lost my final one by trying to evade when it turns out I'd already been grabbed. They sprites are a little hard to see sometimes.


It's a strange game, but it's not actually that bad, and I'm not sure whether I should give it a gold star. One the one hand, it's a cruel bastard of a game that likes to do things such as throwing a knife into your back at point blank range, and then laughing about it when you inevitably die. Seriously, the characters laugh at you. Plus the game has no continues, you get three lives and that's it. But on the other hand... well, I really did like that stage two music.

I'll give it two thirds of a gold star.