Evolva (PC) - Guest Post

CREATE YOUR OWN GENETIC WARRIORS!

I lent this from a friend a million years ago. Never played it. Then I bought it from GOG for next to nothing, promising that I would find out what the game was all about. Never did. Have you played it? Didn't think so! Somehow, the game simply deflects attention.

If I don't play it now, no-one might ever have played it! I suppose I should play it.

If you like what you see, you can click the pictures to view them a little bigger!

The game opens... with a giant space testicle hurtling through the colourful void. It smashes asteroids and probes alike out of its path like a wrecking ball. A bunch of nearby Space Cops drive up alongside and tell it to pull over. Not gonna happen; this thing's on a mission!

I'd show you more but it's a blurry crappy pre-rendered video. You've seen testicles flying through space before anyway, right? It looks like one of those.

It crash lands on a nice rendered planet...

This is one Earth-shattering 'Kaboom!' I'm not taking the blame for.

Egads! That testicle was full of tentacles!

Keep your "This is just like one of my Japanese animes!" jokes to yourselves, please.

The tentacles started spewing out nasty crab monsters! And these nasty crabs started having Pokémon battles with the native nasty crab monsters, complete with flamethrower breath.

And that's all we get. I'm a little nonplussed. What does this have to do with the game? Are we the crabs, or the other crabs?

I'm starting to think it'll be a little like Gene Wars mixed with Dungeon Keeper: defend your testicle, and expand its tentacular reach over the planet. You win the level when you gather up genetic gooperoo to launch another and so on until you've taken over the universe. Let's wait and see!

This quartet of brightly coloured, vaguely humanoid blob monsters are my starting crew. Say hello to Sergeant Mecha's Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Hmm, this isn't quite the level of customisation I was expecting to see from a game that has CREATE YOUR OWN GENETIC WARRIORS! printed across the top of its box. By this point in MegaTraveller 2, I'd already played the character creation mini-game five times over and assembled a team of bad-ass space adventurers of multiple races from across the galaxy. Evolva only lets me name four blobs and pick their colour. I can't even cycle through their roles. What the difference between 'Agile' and 'Speed' is is anyone's guess.

After setting up the brutes, we get a second intro movie. I'm some cyber-guy and I'm looking at a computer while I'm in a space ship. One of the planets on my techno-scope is flashing red, which means that it's time for Space Cop mecha-neko to clean some testicle scum off my favourite planet.

The game is showing me things, but there's no meaning to any of it. It's like there's a missing narration track.

I went back on YouTube and watched the whole thing a few times (external link) to try and figure it out. It was only on my fifth viewing that I noticed that the planet had changed slightly in colour between the arrival of the alien thing and when the space cop arrived. These aliens are changing the atmosphere or something. That does sound pretty serious. Space Cop's got his work cut out for him.

"Analysis: The probe has detected planetary debris containing bio-matter entering the X-92 system. Contact with the debris was lost when it entered the atmosphere of planet X-92/3. 12 hours later, the probe recorded a significant increase in seismic activity. analysis suggests that these events may be related."

"Briefing: Deploy your team of Genohunters. Absorb sufficient indigenous wildlife to adapt to the environment. locate and assimilate any non-indigenous bio-matter to aid further analysis."

I'm visiting "Land 1" of "Planet X-92/3" to deploy a team of "Genohunters" and "assimilate any non-indigenous bio-matter". Nnng. But who am I? Who were those blob guys? What the fuck is all this?

I know I made the exact same whine about Cyber-Cop / Corporation last month, but there has to be some point where a game has to be expected to put its plot in the actual game. Hell, I'm going to pick an arbitrary point. 1995. Command & Conquer. Two entire plotlines of full motion video; United Nations versus The Brotherhood of Nod. Commanders who were there to read mission objectives out to the player, but also had character and emotion, becoming important to the story in their own right. Every level becoming an event that you look forward to. If you can't match that by the year 2000, just get out.

So, my guys are the 'Genohunters'? Not to be mixed up with Gene Hunt from hit TV shows Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes. As far as I know Gene Hunt has never been sent to an alien planet to investigate mysterious space testicles or absorb their genetic material. But you never know with that show.

It's a third person action-platformer! I was entirely dead wrong about what genre the game was, how about that!

I can control any of the four guys at any time with the rest taking up formation as I move. Left click attacks, and... Christ, there's dozens of keyboard commands! Is this game supposed to be played by two people at once?

I've found some li'l puddin's! These things are alive, no match for the might of... us. Whoever the Genohunters work for. I viciously maul the puddin' sending streaks of blood all over the valley walls. Ha-HA! Take that, space nonce.

These things explode. I need to keep my distance. Sneaky and careful.

Sonuvabitch, Ringo! I thought you were supposed to be the Intelligent one!

We've hit a snag. It's an unmakeable jump! If only we could... spontaneously evolve the ability to jump across wide gaps!

I don't know how to do that. Back down the ramp, lads.

Uh... huh. I'm completely lost! It just keeps on going and going. Sure there's an objective marker but it keeps leading me into flipping walls. Somehow they've managed to create a vast alien world with its own unique style and all the creative stuff that lets you know the game wasn't made overnight, yet they've failed to place a single recognisable landmark anywhere on its surface!

The cameras at the bottom of the screen update in real-time to show you the status of your other Genohunters. The blacked out one is showing the relative locations of my team-mates, but would it have killed them to make it a map too? We've got spaceships, probes and satellites and all that junk and all they're capable of telling me is 'it's over on the right a bit'. (It bloody well ISN'T.)

I'm going to have to start again.

---

Ah. A dead crab. It was right next to that gap I couldn't navigate, but I thought it was a rock from a distance ya see.

I don't see an absorb button on this A3-sized keyboard chart I printed out, so let's have Paul mash at it with the blunted slabs of blue foetid meat he calls his hands.

Success! The dead crab explodes victoriously, and the interface lights up like I've won the jackpot. It's time to whack 'M' for Mutate and see what Paul becomes!

I... um... I've got two choices it seems. I can either make Paul a little bit greener or a little bit more indigo-er. I was expecting something a little more physical. The gadget in the lower left is blinking, which means my guy has acquired the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Or maybe he'll grow an eyebrow. I'll take it!

Hold on a second, it's not sticking.

Oh, right. You see that tiny checkmark in the upper right corner? The one that's way outside your field of view and blends into the background? Gotta click that to make the mutations stick. Not, say, the button in the middle that says 'Mutate'.

I think that's actually why I never got anywhere when I lent Evolva from my friend originally. That ticks me off, it does. (Thank you, thank you.)

There's a rushing, shloopy sound and a spew of blue fireworks as Paul becomes more than a mere 'Speed Genohunter'! I have manipulated his genetic code, transforming him into the mighty 'Slightly Greener Speed Genohunter That Can Jump A Bit Further Than Before Perhaps I Can't Really Tell'. Looks like Paul used up all the evo-juice, so it's all on him until he can find some more genetic mush to feed the other Genos.

Heh, that's cool. The other Genos tried to follow me at first but they're smart enough to know that the gap they're facing is Jump-approved Geno only. I'll be back guys, I promise!

It's a living crab! Time to use my array of canny combat moves to take this prey apart. I've gotta take the utmost care here as Paul's the last hope for Geno-kind. If he's downed it's all over. I need to...

Oh, I got him. I just held down the attack button and Paul swing his meatlumps around until the crab crumbled to pieces and I swallowed its tasty crab genes. That surely was some involving combat.

How does 'gangly crab' equate to 'jump power' anyway?

Back over to John, George and Ringo, who all seem to have enough evolution juice to get some boost themselves. They're all now slightly different colours to the ones I picked at the start. Don't worry Evolva, it's not like I picked different colours deliberately so I could tell my characters apart or anything.

The team's all back together and I can resume my search for testicles, tentacles or whatever other space terrors lie ahead. Lead the way, objective marker! I'm not straying one inch until I have all the movement powers. I broke the damned indicator last time and I'm not making the same mistake twice.

Flamingoes? Alien flamingoes with big butch human legs? The camera won't let me get anywhere the buggers, I'm afraid. We saw one of them in more detail in the intro.

Genos, Attack!

Poor George! He's left all alone to face off against these crabs. The other Genos are either ignoring my regroup command or they've gotten themselves lost somewhere in the level. I can take the crabs on, it's just a matter of outlasting them.

(A long time later.)

I've shanked enough wildlife to almost fill that impassible canyon drop with cadavers. It took me even longer than I thought it would because I had to keep going back to eat things I'd missed. You don't have to just murder the beasties, you have to completely discombobulate them to get their power. Let's take a break and see what it's all bought me...

Oh ho ho! Paul's got himself some pincers! Nice one, chief! He's definitely full-on green now.

George's turn next. These guys all look a little Warframey, don't you think?

Wha wha whaaat? I can give him the pincers... but that would take away from his sperm power? Damn it! Nobody likes being told that they're going to get weaker after an upgrade. Especially when you're not entirely sure what they're going to become weaker at! Yeah, it's giving me a bar graph but it's not friggin' labelled.

Let me sort this all out in my head here.

All four Genos get a copy of the experience whenever you kill a monster-beast, which is a forgiving and reasonable thing to do. And you only get stronger abilities if you kill creatures with abilities similar to the ones you want to upgrade. Makes sense so far. But if you kill the wrong thing, you lose points in all the other stats the next time you mutate? That totally sucks! You can't not get experience when you kill a monster! What if I killed so many 'Pincer' beasts I lost the ability to jump over large gaps? There's no way to de-mutate. Once you've confirmed, that's it.

Whatever, four Genos. Let's make them all as lop-sided and unique as I can.

The Pincers have completely changed my view of combat. Before the mutation, I suspected that the combat was tedious as hell and wasn't likely to get better any time soon. Now I'm certain of it. I run up to a bad thing and I hold kill until the killing's done. I absorb the mushiness and move on. Not even the relentless, slightly moody alien techno music can save me.

I've figured out something about the puddin's too, if you're interested. They're actually health pick ups. The blood I was seeing earlier was my Genos taking chunks out of each other because they were all clustered around the same tiny puddin' when I ordered them to attack it. Friendly fire on melee attacks with computer controlled team-mates! Smashing.

Look! In the distance! It's a small twisty alien plant thing! That's got to be my mission objective. It's the closest thing to a landmark I've seen in hours. And it's completely out of reach. If only I hadn't traded away my jump powers for spiky claws, huh?

Well, Lennon's got the full level's worth of evolution upgrade points saved up and ready to rumble! He's going to be God-damned kangaroo by the time I'm done here.

Didn't help. There's only one way to the plant and it's...

Somewhere. Everywhere. Nothing but fog, dog. No voices ingame. No context. No narration. No mission control.

The music rattles along as if we're all having a wonderful, fun, fast paced time, but I'm not feeling it. I'm not feeling anything. I'm feeling a little apprehensive that if one of my Genos falls off this narrow natural bridge I'm crossing, I don't think he'll be able to make it back up here on his own, but that's all.

Ugh, nooks and crannies. They're all totally impossible to locate without the radar. (Not when you're standing inside one like this, though. That would be silly.)

The O marker often points at a completely featureless wall and the (singular) route forwards would be a completely indisguishable fissure that's only visible from certain narrows angles. Walk Towards The O, Genos.

No crab dare stand in our way! Space Patrol Genohunter squad are always ready for action! We're going to stand here and hold Attack! Yeah, you didn't see that coming did you?

What? That's it? Our mission was to stand next to a twisty plant thing? There wasn't a tentacle in sight. No boss either.

We win, I suppose. I... whatever, I'm not going to argue. We did it.

I was going to stop here but this was "only the first level", wasn't it? A tutorial. A hand-holding exercise. It wasn't a real level. I need to keep playing if I want to get a proper picture. Blah, blah.

Techno jungle beats return for the wonderful world of Level Two.

I have to find some exploding plant spores. Ringo found plenty of those on the first level, but these ones here? These are the good ones.

According to the end of level screen, there's actually two different sets of creatures on the planets we visit: alien ones and indigenous ones. Are we supposed to be killing one or the other? I can't tell the difference. If we're trying to save planet X-92/3 then wouldn't it be a good idea to let me tell the difference between the 'good' creepy alien spiders and the 'bad' creepy alien spiders?

I'm sure Level Two will contain all manner of tactical situations where my Geno evolution choices and unit placement will be critical in securing victory.

Or we could just blunder into every cluster of crabs we see and hold Attack because that's all we can do.

There's something a little off about how the screen looks in this game. I can't quite figure it out. The Genohunters are definitely too small on the screen. I can't tell which one I'm playing as or what abilities he has, and these are things that should both be immediately obvious from his body shape.

For a start, let's see how it would look without the interface at the bottom.

Boom. It's already miles improved. Now zoom in the camera, put a minimap on the screen, give me a list of the abilities I have...

Oh hey fog, how are you? I was beginning to miss you. I was worried this game might start looking attractive.

It's all gone to pot...

First, I managed to separate John from the rest of the Fab Four by getting them all snagged on some piece of scenery while exploring. They got mobbed by crabs trying to jump over the obstance instead of defending themselves. By the time I noticed that nobody was following him, John had found some friends of his own. I quickly used up all my evolution power to give myself the biggest jump I could, but it didn't help me evade my new fan club.

Unlike E.V.O: The Search For Eden, mutating is not a cheap trick you can pull to gain health. I'm in a real pickle. Genohunters John and Paul (1 and 2 on the screens below) are one hit away from death.

Flame thrower spiders! Blimey. Now there's a power I could really use. If only I could snag it...! Yes! Killed 'em all without taking a hit!

Whaaat? Enemies that self-destruct when you kill them?! In a game where you only have melee weapons and have to eviscerate enemy corpses to gain abilities?!?

Argh! Enough of this!

Evolva!

Um, no.

Maybe it works better in multiplayer? I've got the manual in front of me, and there is multiplayer, but I can't tell if there's a co-operative mode with each player controlling their own personalised Genohunter. The options on the Multiplayer screen include a map select, frag limit and time limit and stuff like that so the odds on co-op play aren't looking great. This is the GOG release so it's as fully patched as it's ever going to be.

I'm trying to find the good in this game, but it's just not to be found. I've realised that my mission here on Super Adventures is to find slightly obscure games and hold them up for everyone to see so that they'll never, even be forgotten. That's definitely the case with my Obscure As All Hell Animated Cat Game August games and things like Immercenary. But sadly, the only thing I can really say about Evolva is that it's best forgotten. You see that strange odd-ball game you've never heard of in your GOG.com game list? The one you've never heard of and never tried? There's a reason for that.

Fittingly, this game about defeating an evil alien space testicle is, in fact, a load of bollocks.