Beverly Hills Cop (C64)

That is definitely the correct picture for the title screen, and it's even playing a reasonable version of the theme tune. So far so good.

Whoa, I was not expecting this to be a isometric driving game. Okay, I just press up to accelerate then.

I'm having a bit of trouble with the steering though. Left and right make the little steering wheel picture turn, but it just makes the car bank left and right across the road.

The green arrow is pointing down and right though, so there must be a way to turn properly.

Yes! I figured it out, all I do is press fire while pulling a direction, and the car does a 90 degree turn.

Huh, I'm stuck on the corner? Wait, that killed my car? I was one pixel too close to the curb and now my car is wrecked. Back to the start.

Damn, I didn't turn fast enough. Okay, I'll just reverse and... okay just sitting still facing a wall also wrecks my car. That's just great.


LATER.

YES, AWESOME, I've finally caught up to someone! This must be the guy my arrow is pointing towards, the red meter on the left of the dashboard has turned entirely black.

But now what do I do, ram him?

No. Apparently ramming him wasn't the correct move. Okay, I'll try something else. I just need catch up to him again.


MUCH MUCH LATER.

Finally! I've been driving around for what felt like hours trying to get this guy on screen again. Long enough to figure out that fire button also fires a gun (or at least makes a gunfire sound), and that I shouldn't press it when trying to move across the road because I'll crash straight into a wall. Over and over and over.

But that's behind me now. I have the target in my sights and I'm going to tap this gun button until one of us explodes.

Okay, WHAT? What did I do wrong this time? I didn't crash into a damn thing.

Fine, you know what? I'm playing the second level instead. The game gives me a level select at the start so I'm playing level two.

This is different. Actually, this is what I was expecting the whole game to be like. I haven't figured out how to fire my gun or jump yet, but I can make him pose.

FIRE! Everything's on fire!

I think someone must have thrown a Molotov cocktail at me. So I should probably avoid them in the future.

Barrels now too? Plus that tiny tiny green line on the floor next to that dead guy is a land mine. This place is full of obstacles and hazards.

It seems like pressing fire and moving directions triggers punches and kicks, and if this guy in red would just stop moving around for a damn second I'd totally try them all out on him.

Oh crap, it's another barrel, run away! Well, walk away.

Awesome, I have figured out how to jump. He's figured it out too though. He knows all my moves, and he can walk faster than me.

And then I get a punch in the back of the head and poor Axel is dead again.

Level three is more driving, but with totally different gameplay. I'm already sick of this though, so I'm skipping to the next level.

Overhead shooting now. It's funny how each section has different rules. I had a health bar in the warehouse, but here one shot kills me.

Which is a pain in the ass because it seems that I can only aim in 8 directions, just like the enemies. So I have to walk into their line of fire, then aim at them to shoot. Which gives them enough time to shoot me first.

Stop being behind things you bastard. You're gonna make me come all the way over there to shoot you aren't you?

Well it cost me a life, but I finally took him down. Point blank.

Only 59 more guards to go. Yeah, I think I'll skip this too.

Well I was expecting the last level to be inside the mansion, but I thought it'd be side scrolling again. I definitely wasn't expecting first person flick screen shooting. And that 'BOMB' timer is ominous.

These corridors seem entirely deserted though, I can't find a soul to shoot.

Crap, there are enemies with SMGs hiding in the rest room! Also bales of hay and a fireplace!

It seems I've got to sweep the whole house systematically, opening each door in turn and shooting everyone inside with the cursor.

Wow, this really isn't getting any more interesting.


LATER.

Oh no no. Not a lift! That means there's a second floor of this crap.


SEEMINGLY HOURS LATER.
(Actually 1 minute and 37 seconds.)

Okay, I give up. I just can't stand playing this any more. Each step and turn I make is so painfully slow and the place is a damn maze.

I'm going back to the title screen to listen to the music instead.