Parodius (Arcade)

Today I'm taking a short look at Parodius, the second game in the Parodius series, confusingly. They call it パロディウスだ! －神話からお笑いへ－ in Japan, which translates to It's Parodius! From Myth to Laughter, a play on Gradius III's subtitle 'From Legend To Myth'. Because Parodius is a parody of Gradius you see! You'd think it'd be impossible to make a comedy spoof of a side scrolling shoot 'em up, but they went and did it anyway.

The game originally hit Japanese arcades in April 1990 and was happy enough to stay there for whatever reason, though most of its various console ports eventually made it over to the West. Well they were released in Europe anyway; poor America was left out entirely for whatever reason.

I cut this down to a slideshow for reasons of size, but it's properly animated in game.

Well if you ever wanted to see Moai statues smoking in a light hearted comedy arcade shooter, it's your lucky day!


I was going to joke about the octopus at the end looking like he's got a pair of underpants on his head, but then I realised that he really does have a pair of panties on his head. I guess I can forgive Konami acting like 12 year olds though, seeing as they really had only been making games for 12 years at this point.

This intro is actually a reference to the start of Gradius III, showing the history of the arcade Gradius series so far and Parodius' place in that illustrious line up. (1985: Gradius, 1986: Salamander/Life Force, 1988: Gradius II, 1989: Gradius III, 1990: Parodius, in case you were wondering.)

Gradius III (Arcade)

In fact why don't I just show the Gradius III intro so you can see what it's referencing, that'd make more sense. There's some good art in there I reckon, though I was disappointed when I learned that it's missing a realistic airbrushed painting of the pants-on-head octopus at the end.

PC Engine

The PC Engine version of the game has its own intro, with the characters from the game coming on screen in groups to show off for the camera. So if you've ever wanted to see the smoking remains of a giant cat being carried on a plate by five bunny girls and a pig... you're insane.

They've called this a power meter select, but it sure looks like a character select screen to me.

I can choose from:

• Vic Viper: The player one starfighter from the Gradius series. Looks a bit like a Viper from Battlestar Galactica, but I'm sure that's just a complete coincidence.
• Octopus: Tentacle death monster from the original MSX Parodius game.
• Twin Bee: A bumblebee android from the TwinBee series of shoot 'em ups. Though, uh, isn't he supposed to be blue?
• Pentarou: The son of Penta, the heroic Penguin from MSX game Antartic Adventure. Unlike most penguins he is capable of space travel.

I think I'll just go with Vic for now.

Game Boy

The Game Boy version comes with additional information! It doesn't give any kind of description or even tell you where the characters came from, but it does tell you their ages. At last we finally know that TwinBee is a teenage spacefighter robot and that Vic Viper is getting too old for this shit.

The auto and manual options determine whether I get a dedicated button for selecting pick-ups, which seems important enough for me to stick with manual.

Uh, so is this just Gradius with the enemy art swapped out with comedy sprites then? It has the exact same opening attack waves, flying on screen in the exact same way before zig-zagging a bit and leaving again. Only they were spaceships in the original game, not decapitated heads.

Shooting a complete set means they drop an orange power up orb, which I can collect to light up the left hand slot on my power meter down there. Collecting another orb would highlight the next item along instead and so on. When I'm happy with what's selected I hit my dedicated power up selection button, get my upgrade, and the power meter is reset back to zero.

Right now I'm happy just to activate a 'Speed Up' or two, as my fighter's starting speed is ridiculously slow. It turns out that stock Vic Vipers are a bit crap.

Bloody homing syringes. Remember kids, stay away from drugs or else they'll chase you around the screen trying to murder you.

Hey that's a TwinBee bell! Gold bells give me points, but if I shoot it enough times it'll change colour and give me some kind of temporary special power. Though I always end up shooting the things one extra time by mistake and turn them gold again.

There you go, I've got a screenshot of an orange power up orb finally. Barely any enemies decided to show up though, which is pretty much typical of whenever I find one of these screen-clearing blue orb bombs.

I've already collected the missile upgrade (and double shot by accident) so I've got two blank spaces to cross on the power meter before I reach the devastating laser weapon.

Well the blue orb blew up all the enemies, so that worked, but the orange orb started the power meter quickly cycling through my choices. What does that say on screen? Oh right, 'roulette'... makes sense. I could win a free laser or option pod out of this, though knowing my luck I'll stop it on the !? block and win a total upgrade reset instead.

Sharp X68000

Hey, I won a shield! Well, that's what I got while playing the X68000 version anyway.

This computer was known for its excellent arcade ports and this doesn't look like it's going to be the exception. Sure there's a little less screen space, but otherwise this seems a whole lot like Parodius to me.

Oh in case you're wondering what I got from those treasure chests, it was wasps. Giant wasps that shoot superheated balls of plasma. At least the chests exploded with a satisfying fireball afterwards.

Sega Saturn

Hey it's the beautifully animated iconic flying cat-boat boss fight! This must be where the scorched and severed cat head at the start of the PC Engine version came from. He's been firing a few cannon balls in my general direction but otherwise he's basically no challenge at all... so of course this is where I lost my first life (before respawning at a checkpoint immediately before the boss fight thankfully.)

Oh this is the Saturn version of the game by the way, not that it seems to matter. Like the X68000 port, this seems to be using the art straight from the arcade game. And nice art it is too.

The Game Boy version on the other hand features entirely redrawn graphics to fit its four colour monochrome display. Look how cute that little kitty-ship is! I almost feel bad for ripping it apart with two high powered machine guns (the extra firepower courtesy of my friendly sidekick option pod who hovers behind and copies my moves. If I get these things lined up right with my ship they're an awesome firepower multiplier. Of course raining fire across more of the screen is good too.

So far I'd say that Game Boy Parodius just a slightly cut down duplicate of the of the arcade version. It's identical in spirit if not quite in content.

PC Engine

The PC Engine version isn't quite identical visually either, but you'd have to compare screenshots side by side to tell what has changed.

I dunno what the deal is with giving me a giant pirate bird boss fight after a tiny pirate cat-frigate boss (there's no way this guy could stomp around on the deck of that tiny thing) but he's pretty much a push-over as well. So far, so good.

And now the game's restarted?

Seriously, these are the same attack waves and... oh hang on, false alarm, it's throwing some new enemy waves at me now.

Game Boy

In fact I appreciate having a few easy enemies at the start of a stage to help me build up my arsenal a little. Shame I can barely collect any of these option pod sidekicks in the Game Boy version. The poor thing can't handle a great deal of sprites at once.

It's fairly faithful to the arcade game otherwise, though it does have a slight issue when it comes to the coloured TwinBee bells, seeing as it doesn't have colours. They've shaded them differently, but it's still awkward.

Konami GB Collection 2 (Game Boy Color)

No such issues on the Game Boy Color version though thankfully, so I was able to collect this limited use shield generating sidekick ship with relative ease! Man look at my little missiles walking across the bottom of the level; they're more like bombs with legs, on a journey of glorious self-destruction in defence of their master.

PlayStation

Here's another bell power up: a megaphone to inflict sick burns on burping clowns.

At this point I'm basically at my most powerful, with four option pods each firing off lasers and missiles, multiple speed ups but not so much that I lose precision. Everything is virtually effortless for me when I'm putting out this much firepower, with the only downside being that it's distracting me from the enemy bullets and it only takes one of them to...

Sharp X68000

... blow the shit out of me instantly.

Now I've been reset to zero, put right back at the start of the clown section, and stripped of the speed ups I need to deftly manoeuvre between their bubbles (not that I did I great job of that even when I had the speed).

If I had anything lit up in the power meter before the incident, the meter gets reset back to 'Speed Up', otherwise I'm entirely at the mercy of what the game throws at me. To its credit it's usually pretty good at throwing a couple of easy power up orbs at the start of a section to at least get me back up to speed. Not that it's always easy to get to them.

Hang on, is this playing the music from Lemmings right now? Uh, the Dance of the Reed Flutes from the Nutcracker Suite by Tchaikovsky I mean. You know for a comedy game with clowns in it, this music is far more bearable than it could've been.


SEVERAL EMBARASSING DEATHS LATER.

PC Engine

A screenful of wasps, how did the game know exactly what I wanted for Christmas? It's letting me scroll the level vertically here for a change, but all that's up there is just more boxes with more wasps pouring out of them. This wouldn't even be a problem if I'd just been able to hold onto my arsenal, but I with my crappy level 1 pea shooter I just don't seem to have the firepower to cut a hole through them. Make one tiny mistake and you're punished for it over and over.

I would say something about the different version of the games here, but you can see for yourself how near identical they are. There's definitely varying options and features available in the various ports, and they sound different due to their differing sound hardware, but it seems that Parodius is fundamentally Parodius no matter what you play it on.

Uh... I can't shoot her if she's behind me. She's getting closer and I'm running out of screen here! I'm starting to get a little concerned now.

Oh no don't tell me they expect me to duck under her feet as she lifts her legs up! That's a bloody small gap down there and I tend to explode instantly whenever I touch anything at all. Even brushing against the floor would cause my octopus to immediately expire.

But I guess I've got to give it my best shot. Okay she's got a predictable routine, lifting up one foot, shifting over, dropping it down, lifting the other and so on, so if I can just master the timing this might not be so hard.

Yeah, who didn't see that coming?

You know it's just occurred to me that I'm trying to creep between the legs of a giant showgirl... and that should seem a lot more weird to me than it does right now. That's the trouble with surreal games I guess: once you've seen the flying cat boat and the hall of inverted clowns, you're left with a different baseline for 'strange'.

NES

Huh, that's strange. The NES (and Famicom) versions of the game have a different woman here, with a great deal more clothing on.

But the Game Boy game doesn't! She's invulnerable in either game though.

You won't be seeing anything but the arcade version from this point, because I honestly can't bring myself to play through this level one more time, going back and forth under her legs over and over until she gets bored and goes back to Vegas.

Personally I found this to be one of the most miserable experiences I've ever had in a shoot 'em up, and the fact she's apparently a parody version of a Gradius boss (like most/all enemies I'd expect) means that the developers must have thought that it worked so well the first time that it was worth bringing the concept back!

Anyway only my arcade penguin survived this ordeal, to continue onwards and beat this level.

Not even my arcade penguin survived to beat this level. The game sure loves to put boss fights right after boss, uh, encounters.

This guy right here is often claimed to be the reason that the entire Parodius series was never released in the US, which personally sounds like total bullshit to me. If having to kill a American eagle was the only issue they could've redrawn him like they did with the Vegas showgirl in the NES game, or just swapped his art with that pirate penguin if that was too much work.

It's a shame really, because as boss fights go he's mechanically very inoffensive with a simple routine to learn. I just have to remember when to dodge, as by the time I see the energy rings coming it's too late to get my ass out of the way.


SOON.

Crap. I believe I may have made a tactical error here, blasting out a narrow corridor and racing ahead when I should've taken care of the evil pumpkins first. Now they're coming for me and there's no escape!

Well my penguin died, but I've still got a couple of continues left. The game actually seems to be far easier than the Gradius games I've played (though far from a pushover). Plus it likes to catch me out with things like this sometimes: trapping me in a narrow tunnel then firing bullets at me that I have no room to dodge.

I guess I'm heading up and blasting through those blocks on the top right next then.

Oh shit, I forgot that I can't fire upwards! It's one of those levels that allow vertical scrolling and I was supposed to fly down to reveal a different path.

It's a real shame that the laws of side scrolling shooters specifically state that participants must never slow down or turn around or I wouldn't have had to crash my billion spacedollar starfighter into that wall just now. Reversing is especially forbidden. If you ever make a wrong turn you're duty-bound to wreck your plane and go get a new one.

Fortunately the game doesn't often set me back too far, even when I lose a continue.


LATER, IN JAPAN.

Wow, that was kind of bullshit; instant sumo death laser out of nowhere. Though I suppose now I know what to expect I can stay well clear of his arc of fire.

Aaaaand I'm done with the game. No I'm not rage quitting this time, I've just plain ran out of lives.

Still, I made it to the land of the happy mountains on my first try, that's not so bad right?

Parodius: Non-Sense Fantasy (SNES)

Actually before I shut up, there's one version of the game I've left out. Well okay I left out the mobile phone version and the PSP version as well... but the SNES version's worth a mention here because it comes with a bonus mode called the Lollipop stage, where after every death you reappear exactly where you left off instead of at the last checkpoint. It also has a lot of Moai statues wearing lipstick.

PC Engine

The PC Engine has a short special stage as well, but it throws so many power ups at you that I'm not sure you're even supposed to be able to lose. I guess it's purely for score.


Parodius might be a joke game, but it definitely doesn't have joke gameplay. It's as solid and polished as any shoot 'em up I've played from the era and I enjoyed it... for the most part. Though I'm not a fan of the way you get reset back to zero upgrades every time you die as it amplifies your mistakes out of proportion, and the game overall started to wear on me after a few minutes because of how relentless the pacing is. The challenge level seems to be fair (though it varies between the ports a little); it gets plenty frantic at times but never crosses over into bullet hell, and to be honest the one part in particular which ate most of my lives was that bloody Vegas showgirl. Which is why I don't plan on ever playing this again: she's killed my interest in Parodius.

NO GOLD STAR FOR YOU.

I will however award it a gold bell. Maybe if it was shot at enough times it'd turn into a gold star, but one shot too many and it ends up back at crap. There's a metaphor in there somewhere I reckon, but I'm too tired to look for it.

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