J.J. & Jeff (TurboGrafx-16)

Today's J game is... Turbografx-16 platformer J.J. & Jeff! Though it's possibly more notorious under its Japanese name of Kato-chan & Ken-chan.

The game was originally loosely based on a Japanese TV series called 'Fun TV with Kato-chan and Ken-chan', which was a problem when it (eventually) came time to localise it for North America, as no one there had ever heard of the series. So the two unknown Japanese comedians were taken out and replaced with... two unknown characters based on no one at all. To be fair it probably worked out much cheaper this way if Hudson Soft were paying Ken Shimura and Cha Katō for their likeness.

I should probably warn you now that the game's got a reputation for toilet humour, so it might not be a good idea to read this while you're eating. Then again it's only going to be 80s cartoon pixel graphics so how bad can it be?

The game begins at the J.J. and Jeff Detective Agency, where our two heroes receive a phone call about a very rich man being kidnapped. Well actually J.J. got to the phone first (as I chose to play as him), so he's the one receiving the call, and thus the job. He rushes out of the door leaving poor Jeff all alone, again. Until he gets up and chases after him.

I tried running the speech balloons from the Japanese version through Google Translate and... well I was able to make out the word 'kidnapped' at least so I'm presuming it shares the same story. I'm going to have to make an genuine effort to learn that damn language one of these days, so I can finally appreciate all the nuances of 80s platformer intros in their original text.


FIELD 1-1.

Yep, that's a platformer alright. I like how J.J still has his giant head caricature sprite from the intro, as it makes him a lot more expressive than the typical platformer hero. Shame he only has the one expression really.

Well the sign's got an arrow pointing right, so I guess the kidnappers must have gone that way.

Damn, Jeff followed the same clues as I did and somehow got ahead of me, and now he's... uh... what the fuck is he doing?

Kato-chan & Ken-chan

In the original Japanese game the truth is revealed: he's taking a piss on a lamppost. This was censored for the NA version because... kids don't need to see a grown man urinating in public I guess. Better to take out the urine stream so it looks like he's just rubbing himself against the thing, that's far less weird.

Everything else about the games seems identical though so far. Same plants, same bit of fence in the corner... you know, I should probably try playing the game before making comparisons. Actually wait, there's one last thing I need to do here before I leave.

Remember kids, if you see your friend out in the street, walk over and give them a good solid kick for no reason and you'll get 1000 points!

My bug spray is totally ineffective against these flies! I probably should have tried jumping up and giving them a kick instead, as I ended up losing more of my precious vitality from this move. I don't even need their help though, as J.J's health has been disappearing just fine by itself as he's been walking around. I bet that asshole Jeff poisoned his coffee this morning.

Anyway, speaking of giving things a kick... that door over there looks like it might respond to a bit of interaction.

Oh damn, did I kill Jeff? I didn't mean to kick him that hard, I just wanted him to leave that poor lamppost alone. Hang on, since when is heaven inside a public toilet? Something seems off here somehow. Is this... toilet humour?

Whoa, this visit to the restroom restored my vitality back to full, plus I even got a hint for my trouble! Thanks Jeff... you asshole.

Oh in case you were wondering what the bug spray attack was before the censors got to it... yep it's pretty much what you'd expect it to be. Man, this 'Fun TV with Kato-chan and Ken-chan' series seems like pretty sophisticated television; the humour is almost too subtle for Western audiences to pick up on, so it makes a lot of sense that they'd cut all this out.

There you go, a bit of proper platforming action, as I leap the deadly... rocks (or something), and collect the green thing. It's a little bit like Westone's arcade classic Wonder Boy, except with a health bar and less skateboards.

Picking up green things, cherries, and other healthy foods restores a fair amount of the vitality lost to time and crappy game playing, and I'll probably need to grab one or two along the way even if I'm doing well. Surprisingly the junk food isn't all that healthy in this, as the fries actually improve my farts spray power.

They seem to be hidden behind objects and blocks as well, so I'm getting into the habit now of giving everything a good kick to see what comes loose.

Wow, a turd in a box, that's... that's fantastic. Also not at all censored in the US version I notice. I ended up picking the thing up by accident and losing health from it, so there's a shocking revelation for you: eating poop is bad for you.

Oh here's something I've learned: I have to be pulling in a direction to do a full height jump, otherwise my character can't make over walls like this. That really threw me off for a while before I figured out what was happening.

Flies like a bird, shits like a human... charming creature.

These creatures honestly haven't been much of a threat so far. Most of my lost vitality came from sliding into rocks and kicking crap blocks. He's got a fair amount of momentum when he moves so it takes a while to come to a halt.

Uh Jeff... what you doing? Was this censored for the Turbografx release as well, d'ya think?

Does a Japanese comedian shit in the woods?

The NA version of the game received criticism for being too sanitised and censored, but honestly I'm finding mysterious wolf-mask Jeff more disturbing than some poor guy struggling to answer the call of nature.

You may be wondering why he doesn't just go to that public toilet a few screens to the left, but he's got a good excuse: it leads to heaven. Also I can't scroll the screen to the left; there is no backwards, only forwards.

Still I think it's only fair to give him good kicking so I can collect my points.

Oh man, I instantly regret doing that now. I really didn't think this through did I?

Anyway I didn't really want to dedicate four screenshots to this particular moment of the game, but I gotta know what J.J. is doing in the bush if I walk by playing as Jeff instead.

Aww, he's in disguise as a cute little rat, or something! The red eyes are a nice touch.

Man it'd a good thing I popped into the toilets and got that cryptic message from Jeff earlier otherwise I'd have no idea what do to to make this platform appear.

When you play as Jeff, J.J. is waiting in the toilet instead to give a message about kicking street lamps for health items, which is definitely handy to know but not absolutely essential like the 'kick the stump' message was.

Another public toilet on the same stage? Don't tell me they've used up their three jokes already (number 1, number 2, and a toilet portal) and now they're cycling back through.

I know that this looks a lot like that other screenshot but it is a different place I promise you. Both toilets just have fly enemies flying past for whatever reason... HOLY SHIT I ONLY JUST GOT WHY. Man I am slow sometimes.

Hey there's a casino in this toilet! This would've be awesome if I'd brought any money. Apparently there's a way to earn cash that I've completely overlooked.

Is it going to at least recharge my vitality gauge like the last toilet? No? Well... poop.

Two seconds after leaving the toilet I walked into the forest and immediately got knocked out by a falling... spiky.... tree... thing (hey, I never claimed to be a dendrologist). It seems like they're the kind of hazard that only falls when a character gets close, which is awkward as I'm the kind of character who takes a second to come to a stop.

I reappeared a short distance back (yay checkpoints), then went and walked straight back into these things again and lost another life. At least I've confirmed that they're not a instant kill; it takes consistent, sustained failure to die to these things.


EVENTUALLY.

Aww yeah, that's the end of level one! Better luck next time mole.


FIELD 1-2.

Agh, now Jeff's throwing trash at me! What an asshole. Man this guy's sure pulling out a lot of Coca-Cola cans for someone standing on empty bin. Wait, that's it! I know how to beat this guy now!

I walked up to him and pressed the kick button once, and that resolved it. All miniboss fights should be like this.


LATER.

Huh, so this lift isn't a level exit? It just drops me off underground and stage two continues on through the sewers. I hope it's a checkpoint at least.

I would've assumed that the game was deliberately mocking clichéd platformer levels here, but this is actually a really old game. I'm not sure sewer and forest levels were even clichés yet when this was in development.

Here, let me show you where it fits in the grand scheme of Japanese platformer release dates:

• 1985 Sep 13 - Super Mario Bros.
• 1986 Sep 26 - Castlevania (Akumajou Dracula)
• 1987 Nov 30 - J.J. & Jeff (Kato-chan & Ken-chan)
• 1987 Dec 17 - Mega Man (Rockman)
• 1988 Oct 23 - Super Mario Bros. 3 (Princess Peach's Super Rescue Adventure 2*)

The game actually pre-dates the first Mega Man... and man can you tell when it comes to the gameplay. This is very much along the lines of Mario Bros 1, even down to the player not being able to scroll the screen backwards. Plus turns out that I can also jump on enemies to kill them, despite having a kick attack, which is appreciated.

* Sorry, the game's actually literally (and phonetically) called Super Mario Brothers. 3 in Japan.

Whoa, I didn't make the leap! That's amazing, it's been ages since I've come across a jump requiring pixel-perfect precision in a platformer like this. They're not as common as you'd think, it seems.

I should be annoyed, seeing as that was my final life and I've just discovered that the game hasn't given me any continues, but I'm actually eager to give it another shot. Damn this game's bizarre retro charm!


BACK ON FIELD 1-1, AGAIN.

Aha, kicking random bits of the scenery sometimes gets me coins! Not this coin though, this one went bouncing off screen before I could grab it, but other coins! This is good, because I can use the fruit machine now, but also bad, because it means I'm going to have to kick every bit of scenery from now on in case it has a coin hidden in it.

Sometimes I don't think game designers have really thought through what their game's secret rewards are training players to do.


LATER, BACK INSIDE TOILET #2.

Okay, I've got 9 coins now, so that's earned me a few spins of wheel for sure. I'm not sure how to bet money though... and I've just accidentally quit out of the fruit machine.

It won't let me back in through the door! What sort of toilet casino doesn't let wealthy customers back inside? That ain't no way to run a business.


FIELD 1-2.

You'll have to click it if you want to see it properly.

Well it took me a few tries, but I finally managed to clear the pit! This is the entire sewer part of the level so far by the way; this is only the second jump down here. Many more jumps yet to come I'm sure.

Man, I'm going to need a wider website if I'm going to keep stitching together screenshots like this.

This is more my kind of jumping now! I have no idea who that guy was, but I got 200 points for killing him so he was probably evil. Either way, we're in the sewers, no one will know it was me. No one but the omniscient entity observing my every move and keeping score.

If anyone asks, I'll tell them I got those 200 points by stomping on rats.

Wow, speak of the rodent. Come here lil' buddy, I got an adult sized man-child with a comically giant head to drop on you.

When I'm done with rodentcide I'm going to investigate those bars in the background. My keen detective instincts tell me that it might be a door, and even if it's not I'll probably get something for kicking it.

Oh, hi Jeff. Sure you can have some of my blood, I guess (you asshole).

Out of misplaced curiosity I decided to translate the Japanese text you get here in the original Kato and Ken to see what kind of hilarious jokes I'm missing out on, and Google Translate claims that Ken says:

"There is a hidden door."

Seems like Americans actually got the better deal here.

Oh cool, a spring! And some fire! Such fantastic platforming opportunities await.

Whoa, landing on a fire is INSTANT DEATH. I suppose that was my own dumb fault for actually using the spring when I knew it'd likely send me flying off screen. But I didn't expect the fires were going to be an instant kill! That was my final life you asshole level designer! What's the point of giving me a health bar if they're just going to ignore it when it suits them; it's just needlessly cruel.

GAME OVER.


I WILL NEVER TRULY ESCAPE FIELD 1-1.

At least I managed to insert my money into the slot machine this time. "Get vitality"? Don't mind if I do.

Oh wow it's massively extended my health bar! And that was just for two burgers and a fly. There's probably better rewards inside this thing.


FIELD 1-2.

This time I tried a new trick with Jeff, jumping on his cans over and over to rack up a bigger score while he keeps throwing them out, desperately trying to hit me with one of them. I don't know why I kept harassing him like this, it's not like I care about points, I suppose that deep down I just wanted to jump on some cans. Plus he's an asshole.

Also it was an excuse to hang around for a few seconds longer before going down the elevator to the sewer and facing... the jump.


SOON.

Well at least now I know whether I keep my extended vitality bar after a death (I don't).

But I did eventually make it across the chasm again and I only had to play the entire first level all over again from the title screen several times to do it!

A SCREENSHOT FROM THE FUTURE:

I just thought I'd drop in from the future to mention that I tried this again later and it turns out that all I had to do all along was kick the green sign next to the hole and that makes this platform appear. So basically the game is dumb and so am I.

FIELD 1-3.

Now I'm past the jump and the instant-death fires I'm literally kicking ass. I just grabbed two extra lives from a fruit machine and I'm playing like a man possessed by the ghost of someone who was competent at video games.

Well I honestly can't see that I saw that coming. I wasn't trying to leap over the creature, it turned up when I was already airborne and I didn't react in time to do anything about it.

The sewer monster isn't a boss or anything, he doesn't actually attack me and he soon drops back down again, but it's still an immediate fail if I so much as brush the sole of my shoe across his forehead. He's a punishment for carelessness... or for not having played the level once before and memorised the traps, if you want to be cynical.


FIELD 1-4.

This on the other hand, this simply requires skill, precision and the ability to adjust for momentum on a tiny one tile wide platform without flying off the other side. I had no chance!


MUCH LATER.

Holy shit, I actually managed to reach the first boss fight this time!

I'd won big on one of the slot machines on this run, walking away with three extra lives, and by some miracle I didn't throw them all away down bottomless pits this time. This guy's going to cost me a few though, as I have to do hit and run attacks on his face without drifting into his sprite or else I take damage myself.

The real bastard of it is that I have to replay the entire second half of the previous stage every time I screw up. The game doesn't even give me a health refill before the fight!

One hit point left... well I'm fucked.

Wait, I've actually beaten him? I BEAT A BOSS! It's a Super Adventures miracle!


FIELD 2-1.

Against all odds I've managed to reach Field 2, and it's not all that different to Field 1 to be honest. Jeff's still throwing cans at me or sitting in the bushes with his wolf mask on, flies are still buzzing around and the platforming is still 5% bullshit. I kept going as long as I could, but a combination of surprise falling platforms and bad timing got poor J.J. in the end. Back to the title screen, no option to continue.


CONCLUSION

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I really shouldn't like J.J. & Jeff as much as I do, it's basic and cruel, and every three deaths or so you get a free trip back to the title screen. But I just utterly failed to get frustrated with it. I had a smile on my face during every stupid death, it's just a fun game to play.

It helps that there's no waiting around, there's no wandering around collecting 8 items scattered around the level, and it's fast and straightforward. Enemies tend to respond to being crushed or kicked in a desirable fashion and the game generally lets you just get on with things.

Though on the other hand there's a whole lot of object kicking that has to be done each time you replay a level to get the coins you then need to gamble away one (or more) at a time to stand any chance of making progress later. Also I learned that a key I stumbled across by accident is a necessary item to finish each full field of levels, and you can't go through to the boss fight without it. Instead you have to jump on a spring that kicks you back to the start of the level to go look for it again. Which kind of sucks.

I'm not sure I'd ever seriously try to get any further in it (the lack of continues really cuts into the 'one more try' factor), but I can't say I didn't enjoy what I played of it, so now I'm torn on whether to give it a 'Not Crap' award or not. Wait, what am I even saying? If any game's earned the right to be associated with crap, it's this one. It's full of shit and proud of it, and might even be worth a few minutes of your time.

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