Xenophage: Alien BloodSport (MS-DOS)

This one is actually freeware now, you can grab it from this download page. If you feel that's something you really want to do.

Aliens are bored, so they decide to kidnap creatures from different worlds, and force them to fight against each other in unarmed combat.

The cost of failure, the destruction of their home planet! And also death.

"Oh no."

The delivery on this line is perfect.

Like the intro hinted, it's a fighting game with pre rendered graphics.
 

And a camera that zooms in and follows the characters so I can barely see what I'm doing.

It's a shame because that background doesn't look bad at all. There's even some animation there, but it's hard to tell when the screen is flying around like crazy to follow my guy.

Yeah, I think I'm going to switch the zoom off, this isn't working out for me. And maybe tone the difficulty down a tiny amount while I'm in the options.

Very easy mode... is pretty damn easy. Here's me taking down the last opponent (this difficulty has no boss fights) with a special move from across the room. I barely even took a scratch.

I managed to finish most fights on this difficulty by just cornering the enemy and punching them until they died. Though sometimes I threw in a kick to keep things interesting.

Very hard mode... kicked my ass. All my cheap tricks are suddenly useless! I'm going back to zoomed in mode. It's nice to be able to see what I'm doing, but it makes for boring screenshots. Plus the game plays like crap either way.

Normal mode kicks my ass too, but at least I feel like I have a chance. It's nice touch how the health bars are tinted the same colour as the character's blood. And a little weird.

Selena vs Bat. Modelling people in 3D is really hard, okay?

Okay, this guy is really starting to piss me off. He will not stay on the ground. He's constantly jumping over me and diving at my face.

Get down you stupid flying fuck! Come down here and fight me properly!

Man, I think I liked it better when they cowered in a corner while I punched them to death. I guess I need more training.

Okay, it seems like training mode just puts me in a room with a dummy that I can try out moves on. Wait, that's a CLOWN dummy.

Ow, fuck, he bounces and smacks you back if you punch him. Then goes HA. HA. HA.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

I don't believe it, it's Oozo the Clown from Day of the Tentacle in disguise! I've had enough of this, I'm going back to the tournament where it's safer.

Ah, this is better. Stomping green fluid out of squishy intelligent space aliens with my... whatever the hell this guy is.

Remind me not to play as the squid guy again.

Ow, fuck, my eyes!

Why does he always go for the eyes? Okay okay, I'll try another character.

This human on human violence isn't helping anyone save the Earth.

C'mon Nick, you're a lumberjack, she's a businesswoman, you can take her! You've got the upper body strength.

Okay, next round I'm playing as Selina, she seems to know what she's doing. She even had a spade handy to bury him.

It's time for a rematch in Selina's cosy apartment. Only this time I'm playing as Selina. Nick tries to demoralise me by pulling a handstand.

I react with swift, brutal and decisive retaliation.

Nick fakes his death hoping to catch me off guard, but I'm not falling for it.

Whoa, this just took a dark turn. Come on Nick, you've already killed my character, you don't have to keep hitting her.

Yeah, I think I'm done with this. Forever.


Next game.