Jazz Jackrabbit (MS-DOS)

Green space rabbit platformer day concludes. This one dresses like Rambo, carries a giant blue crayon and is apparently saving this rabbit woman from an evil turtle.

Before racing in to save the day, Jazz decides to show off his Superman cosplay costume. Or maybe it's supposed to be Elvis, I don't know. It's all nice and animated though.

And now he's... Jazzman? Jazz the Batrabbit?

At least I can be sure that a bright green anthropomorphic rabbit in a Batman costume is probably the weirdest thing I'll see all day.

Damn... when Bugs Bunny disguises himself as a woman, he just wears a dress and wig. Jazz goes the extra mile.

I guess the artist was a big fan of DC comics.

Are those supposed to be Terminator turtles? Hmm, I think I'll stick with level one for now.

Also isn't it supposed to be the tortoise vs the hare?

We're going to a different planet? Does he have his own spaceship or something? The guy lives in a hole in the ground but he has a spaceship?

Wow, that is a terrible looking tree. And what's up with that sky? It has stripes.

The characters are pretty well animated though, especially Jazz himself who starts imitating Bugs Bunny if you leave him long enough.

Like Sonic the Hedgehog, Jazz starts picking up speed when he runs, but that just throws me headfirst into enemies faster. Like Mario, my enemies are turtles, but jumping on them only hurts myself.

But unlike them I've got a health bar and a gun, so it all works out.

This level is filled with libellous anti-rabbit propaganda. And also floating floppy disks, which I can collect for points. I don't know why Jazz wants all these blank floppy disks, but I'm sure he has his reasons.

The game was kind enough to let me redefine my keys, which is an excellent feature that I fully endorse, but it didn't think to tell me that maybe the keys I wanted to use already had other uses.

I used 'L' for one of my keys, but every time I press it I get the Load Game menu instead. And I can't seem to fix it without quitting to the main menu.

Hey, it's a 3d running bonus game like in that Sonic game! I have to walk down these streets apparently and collect blue diamonds, and that's apparently it. Sometimes I walk into a wall and he falls over, but he soon gets back to his feet and walking into diamonds again.

I... think he's happy?

Level two is completely unlike that level of Sonic with the pipes that carry you around the level, except that it has pipes on it that carry you around the level.

Weirdly that turtle over there seems to be completely harmless. I feel bad when I accidentally blast one of them, but it's really entirely their fault for standing in my way when I'm pulling the trigger.

New ammo comes in small and large pick ups. Weirdly the small ones float in the air and can be collected, while the large ones are bolted to the ground and need to be shot.

I had a great idea. I thought 'hey, this game has a save option in the menu, I should try that out'. Turns out that loading a game brings you back to the start of the level you saved on with no score or weapons.

So here I am again. Replaying this level from the start.

Okay, I'm stuck. The damn bunny will not jump high enough to get into this pipe! Is there some kind of super jump I don't know about?


LATER.

I have no idea how I got into that pipe in the end. I just kept jumping and jumping like an idiot until he eventually made it. Dumb perseverance wins again.

These spark enemies are like the ghosts in the Mario games, the only move towards you when you're not looking.

And these tv screens are like the tv screens in Sonic, they give you stuff.

And this hoverboard is like the... actually I'm struggling to think of platform games with a hoverboard in right now. I definitely appreciate having it in this though. It's a lot easier to hover over spikes than to jump over them.

Well, I lost the hoverboard, so it's back to getting across spike pits the hard way. This game has actually been very fair with it's death traps so far. I haven't managed to find one bottomless pit or insta-kill spike.

And there are plenty of carrots around to refill my health, OH SHIT, IT'S A BIRD!

Oh wait, this guy's on my side! He's flying around giving me air support. Helpful flying allies are way better to have around than annoying flying enemies. Shame he doesn't stick around for long.

At last we finally meet... whoever you are. Actually I think this is the guy holding the rabbit woman hostage on the title screen. My designated nemesis.

Fortunately I've got a nice solid wall for cover, so I'm feeling pretty good about my chances.

Rabbits win. Well I'm glad that's all over with now. The day is saved and we can all go home.

Huh, if she's being held somewhere else entirely then why the hell did we come here? Did we just go and harass all those turtles for no reason at all?

"Sorry I took so long coming to your rescue, but on the way here I noticed there was a planet covered in signs claiming that rabbits stink, so I had to stop by and steal all their floppy disks."

Next game.